Holidaze

This holiday season has been odd. Not bad or tough really, just odd. I haven’t been single in a long time and holidays can be stressful regardless of what your marital status may be…but this time around I find that I’m excited yet also filled with a bit of trepidation. Carrying the weight of Christmas for the kids is a bit rough at times. Yes, I know their Dad has a tree and presents and all that, but that does little to make this easier. I have this feeling of ‘it won’t be good enough’. Can I give them a fantastic Christmas with memories and traditions all alone? Will they grow up thinking back on all the things that ‘crazy mom’ made them do? Like ‘crazy mom’ made us sing Christmas carols in a circle around the tree until we were horse and then forced us to eat her cookies, which all resembled decapitated reindeer and snowmen. Blech…Wish me luck oh and the kids too.


I’d like to wish everyone a Happy Holiday! I hope all of your traditions and cookies (if applicable) are just perfect or at least edible.

Cheers.

Soul Searching

I lay peacefully in a quiet haze of contentment.
Your warm hand possessively covering my breast your body folded around mine.
This is more intimate than I ever expected or thought I would allow.
I cherish this feeling for it is fleeting.
You will walk away.
When will you return?
This thought pushes me frontward.
I’m not one to flounder yet by writing this I prove myself a liar.
The lie means I feel and I am afraid.
I will struggle and I will hesitate but I will be here waiting for you to return, to fold you into my arms, take you into my bed, and into my heart.

Silly Meme

What kind of shirt are you wearing? V-Neck Sweater

Would you kiss anyone on your blogroll? Yes, and I have!

Do you have a "thing" for anyone on your blogroll? Oh, yes...

How many kids do you want to have? Um...I already have two.

Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Excellent...and I am thankful for them everyday.

What name would you want besides the one you have? Annalis, of course.

What did you do for your last birthday? Celebrated with family and friends...Oh and was treated to one of the most amazing dinners.

What's your current ringtone on your phone? Hmmmm....don't know the name of it. Some silly canned ringtone that annoys me greatly.

What do you think when you get meme's with missing questions? Are you kidding. I always change the questions...isn't that part of the fun?

What were you doing at midnight last night? Tossing and turning wishing I was already asleep.

Where is the furthest place you've ever called to talk to someone? East Coast

Do you like having your hair pulled? Absolutely...

Name something you CANNOT wait to do? Oh, this is a loaded question! I could start a meme on this alone...but I'll refrain from making this sexual because that's where this question takes my perverted mind.

Last time you saw your dad? Yesterday.

What is one thing you wish you could change about your life? I have made some profoundly stupid choices in my life and would love to back and do differently. Nuff said.

What is your favorite board game? Scrabble

Do you have a pimp name? Hmmm...nope. Maybe I need to get one....

What's the last thing you ate? Frosted Flakes

Favorite month? October

Least favorite month? October

What's the last piece of clothing you borrowed from anyone? I can't think of a damned thing.

Who's getting on your nerves right now? No one, but the day is young.

Most visited Web page? MSN

Do you ever sleep in the nude? Yes, but if I'm sleeping alone I'll wear a t-shirt.

What is the strangest thing you have in your purse or wallet? Buzz Lightyear toy

Last person to make you sad? The ex and that really pisses me off.

Would you help your best friend fight if he/she is losing? Absolutely, but it wouldn't be pretty.

Coke or Pepsi? Diet Coke, please.

Do you have a crush? Oh, yes!

Have you kissed or been kissed by anyone in the past week? I am kissed daily by my beautiful and very affectionate boys.



Thank you Chuck for the meme idea...

I am thankful:

For my children, family, friends, health and independence.

That I lead a life I can be proud of even though I constantly make mistakes along the way.

My heart attempts to guide me and every now and then, I let it.

I laugh…at myself or others depending on my mood.

For crème brulee and all things delicious and highly caloric.

That I can and do love to dance with abandon.

For coffee and all things with caffeine.

For Blogger and that it allows me to write whatever is rolling around in my head.

That I’ve met some amazing folks this last year and my life is better for it.

For sex…whether it be wild, passionate, hard, soft and everything in between. This should be higher on the list, but it was my goal to not have sex be a major player in this post...

I want to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving. I hope you are spending it with your family and friends and if not, you’re headed to a warm beach somewhere to get away from it all.

Peace.

Full

I look down into your eyes. They are filled with heat and passion. My movements are slow and rhythmic. Lost in how amazing you feel underneath me. It pales in comparison to everything I had imagined. I pull my eyes away from yours for a moment to catch my breath but you don’t allow it. You force me to move, to take what I need, however much or little that may be. A slap of your hand reminds me who has the power even though I may be on top looking down. The pain adds to my pleasure causing me to shudder and move at a much faster pace. I feel it begin. You are so in tune you speak the words I need to hear to push me over the edge. Your movements are strong, sure, powerful. I fall into an abyss of sensation. I look down into your eyes. I see satisfaction and compassion. I am full. Come with me, baby.

A Moment

I step out of the tall gray building with anticipation. The day is brilliant. The leaves have turned a beautiful shade of red, yellow and gold. They spin around my ankles as I rush to my car. I pause and look over my shoulder to see if I recognize anyone. This secret I refuse to share with anyone but you.

Sitting in my car I stare out of the front window. My skirt has been pushed up to my thighs and I slowly pull it up to my hips. Glancing down I see my thigh high stockings and smile. I close my eyes and think of how much you would like to watch. How much you would like to be here at this very moment. I touch myself. My imagination is working feverishly. Anyone might walk by. I hear your voice whispering in my ear influencing my every move. My fingers are now your fingers. Only moments pass and I sigh my release.

As the wind and leaves chase my heels a smile graces my lips and I step back into the tall gray building.

Perspective

I recently had a birthday. Now that I no longer live with my ex my children really don’t have anyone except yours truly to prompt them that my birthday was coming. Now, being the birthday slut that I am I made sure that my children were well aware that mommy’s birthday was tomorrow. Now in my defense, I am helping them learn the importance of remembering your friends and families birthdays and important dates…did you buy that?

So, come four o’clock in the morning on the eve of my birthday my four year old son comes walking in my room with the innocence only a child can muster exclaiming that he had to go potty NOW. Due to recent experience, I know better than to waste even a moment and we run, not walk, to the bathroom. As my son takes care of business I stand behind him bleary eyed leaning up against the wall waiting for him to finish. During this he looks up at me in the mirrors’ reflection blinking and yawning, looks me directly in the eye and says “Hattee Birtday Mommy.” Tears well up in my eyes and I reach down hug him and say thank you sweetie you just made mommy’s day. I love you very much. This of course pleased him to no end and I was peppered with Hattee Birtdays for the next 24 hours.

I’m not sure if it was the fact he remembered or how and when he said it but it was absolutely precious. I’ll remember it forever. I was not looking forward to this birthday to be honest. I guess it’s facing the fact I’m getting older, I’m single and starting over...the list goes on, but I realized that regardless of past or future challenges I am incredibly fortunate and truly blessed.

We were on a break...

It's been awhile I know. I’m so incredibly busy and distracted these days blogging has just not been a priority.

As I mentioned previously I’m in the process of moving. What a roller coaster ride that has been. Full of ups and downs with some really scary loop d'loops. Not to mention it’s soooo much work. It’s been a long time since I went through ‘a move’ and I had forgotten all the little details it takes to make sure I have all those creature comforts like electricity, phone and my favorite....Internet access.

I’m also planning my sisters baby shower, both of my sons birthday parties and the aforementioned move. So...holy crap my life is crazed.

All that being said, I will probably not post much for the month of October. I will still be checking in on all my favorite blogs as time allows and hopefully come November I’ll be back and writing up a storm.

Touch

I can hear the rain hitting the window. It’s loud and causes strange shapes to play on the wall. The room is humid and I feel the sweat drip between my breasts. You lay next to me, quiet. I smile at your profile and wonder what thoughts are running through your mind.

Fingers brushing mine with a light touch, they move slowly toward the source of my desire. The rain is no longer loud and the shadows on the wall are no longer a distraction. Your tongue laps gently at my skin. I lean into your touch, eager for more.

We move together. I taste your mouth and skin. The flavor that is only you overpowers my senses. We strive toward release. A build up that ends in a loud rush of sensation and noise. Hearts pounding as we lay still and touch.

Conundrum

When I first realized that I was ‘going through a divorce’ the reality of it hit me hard. I felt like hunkering down and licking my wounds. I did an amazing amount of self-reflection and had sort of a pity party, myself being the only invitee. Now, I feel like having one big house party. It’s far from over, but it’s on the horizon. I find I’m feeling a bit guilty about it. The guilt comes from knowing my children will be changed by this and not being able to predict how and in what ways.

I still go through little bouts of ugly. Especially after long and painful conversations with the ex. I believe I’ve said this before, but how the hell did I end up with him. I was just reading a similar sentiment in WDKY’s blog and couldn’t agree more. What does this say about my judgment and more importantly will I make the same mistake again? I became blind and an enabler (according to our therapist). I wanted to pretend everything was fine so instead of voicing my concerns I pretended they didn’t exist. When they became too bad to deal with any longer my ex simply didn’t believe I would ever do anything about it. He was wrong. It’s been a long road.

I am fortunate to have many fellow bloggers out there that have gone through similar experiences. And as the old saying goes misery loves company…but I must say the best part of reading other folks experiences is that a lot have come through better for it or at least having learned how to move forward and be strong. Thank you!

Sometimes the hardest things and the right things are the same…

I’m in currently in the process of finding a new place to live. It’s exciting and scary all at the same time. I lived alone prior to my marriage and I quite enjoyed it. Now, I won’t be alone. I’ll have the kids most of the time…but still this is something that I find amazingly freeing. My own place with no ties to the ex. They say it’s the little things and ‘they’ are right. Can’t wait to decorate and place all my stuff wherever I damn well please. It will be a rental so I can only go so crazy but I’ll get my own place soon enough and I am thrilled.

Huh, the end of my marriage and I’m excited about decorating…yes, maybe I need some help. Help, decorating that is…can someone say cynical. Yeah, I may have an inner slut but I also have an inner bitch and they get along quite well. I heart me. Feel the love.

Rhythmic movements
Low whispers
Slick with sweat
Insistent hands
Grasping fingers
Shallow breath
Frantic now
Focus lost
Pinpoint awareness
Rush of sensation
Scream of release
Soft kisses

Happy Humpy Day

What a nice soapy wet armpit...

A Day in the Life…

Alarm goes off at 6:00am…snooze until 6:30am. Yes, I hit the snooze repeatedly, what can I say I’m not a morning person and what’s up with my snooze only lasting for 7 minutes! Can’t they create an alarm clock with a 10-minute snooze? Round up, people, I work so much better with even numbers.

Drag ass out of bed and stumble to the shower. Lean against the wall whilst I wait for the water to warm up…takes several minutes or so it seems. Close eyes and try not to fall back asleep.

Step into the shower and sigh…love the hot shower. Soap, wash, rinse, repeat. Oh, and let’s not forget to shave. I’m 5’8 so I have a lot of leg to shave and trust me at that time of the morning I’m wishing I was a few inches shorter.

Slide into my cozy robe and step into the bathroom to continue my morning routine. I won’t bore you with the details…bottom line…it takes time to get this gal out the door.

Once, I’ve finished with me the kids are next…which is challenging to say the least cause I passed on my ‘not a morning person’ to both my kids. Yeah. I have to get them up early than I should just so they can adjust to being awake before I make them eat breakfast…

We are out the door running. I try very hard not to be late. I try very hard…sometimes we make it and sometimes we don’t. I take my oldest to school and we wait until he’s hustled into his class. I smile at the teacher and speak to a few parents IF I’ve had enough coffee by this time. Some days I’m very friendly and some days I scowl. Then it’s off to preschool and again I make nice with the teachers and I’m off to work.

I work. I love my job and I know how fortunate I am. Won’t bore you with the particulars.

I leave. I’m fortunate that I have a daycare program that will pick up my son from school so I am able to keep a roof over our heads.

I wrangle with traffic to get to the daycare and pick up my children. Some days traffic and I get along, other days I cuss like the truck driver taking over two lanes and causing a back up of mass proportions. I enjoy cussing, feels good. Besides, I have to get it out of my system before the kidlets get in the car.

Darn, this is getting long and most likely boring as hell. I’m almost done.

We get home and snacks must be had…life will not continue if I don’t fix the snacks to keep all hell from breaking loose. Once the chaos slows I consider what we should have for dinner (a domestic goddess I’m not) and the kids play. Some days this requires my help like pushing them on the swing for hours and hours and hours. I can’t fault them…who doesn’t love the swings.

So let’s wrap this up. We eat dinner, bath the dirty monkeys, and proceed to bed.

If I’m lucky, I’ll get to catch a reality show or two…yes, a weakness but damn, they’re addicting.
Either I will eventually go to bed while reading or after I take some personal time, which is another post...

Alarm goes off at 6:00am…snooze until 6:30am…here we go again.

Cha, Cha, Changes

Oh, what a week this has been. My son started kindergarten Monday and it has thrown me for a loop. New routines and new faces. I am incredibly happy and sad all at once. My baby is growing up. I know that it’s been much harder on me than him. I think he quite likes it. Kindergarten teachers are a special bunch of people.

Today would have been my 9-year anniversary with the ex. It still feels funny because the divorce is not final yet. He called me this morning and asked if we could be civil today. It made me sad and a bit upset. He swears he’s not trying to manipulate me but it’s far to late to feel anything but…

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.
~Robert Frost

On my knees.
Hair hiding my eyes.
Swept away in lust.
A part of me wholly free.
Lost in the moment.
Lost while I feel you.
A need to hear you.
Strong hands grip my hair.
My eyes tell a story.
Of lust, passion, intensity.
Release of control.
This is my greed.
Selfishness my only excuse.
Take me, teach me, need me.

I Wanna Be Sedated

Well, I have been a bit under the weather lately and not in a very blogging mood. I have wanted to recap my ‘girls’ night out for sometime. It was a couple of week ago and I had the best freaking time.

It all started out when my friend, whom I’ve been a friend with for about 16 years now, stated, “it’s time, we must go out and dance our asses off”. Who am I to argue? In case I haven’t mentioned this before I love, love to dance. The sweaty, shake your ass, for hours kind of dancing. It’s cathartic. Some people like to meditate. I dance.

So we plan, now here in the Bay Area we all call San Francisco ‘The City’. I guess when you live so close to the city by the bay it deserves such a title. Do people do this in all states?

I digress, so we head to a bar called ‘Bimbo’s’ (yes, how apropos) and see a live band named Tainted Love. They are a local band that plays all 80's music. What can I say? I’m not necessarily proud of it, but I am a product of the 80’s. Listening to this music takes me back to days where all I had to worry about was well, nothing really and I fucking miss it. My BFF and me were in the thick of it, dancing, singing, and sweating up a storm and in heaven. Oh yes, I can’t forget the drinking. Here’s one thing that’s changed since my beloved 80’s (or 90's) I can’t drink like I used to. WTF? My tolerance is much lower now and the several (forgive me I lost count) Morgan and diet cokes just about killed me. Sweet Christ, I lost a few days off my life. I get caught up and forget to pace myself. Luckily, no damage was done and if it was I don't remember so, it doesn’t count.

After Bimbo’s we walked or should I say stumbled to another bar and continued dancing, dancing, dancing. Life was good that night people. It was getting really late by now and we had made a few friends, which was fun cause the more the merrier in my book. When you aren’t looking for attention, it seems to cling to you like the stink of cigarettes the morning after. Funny that.

Now the next morning came too fast and I suffered, oh did I suffer. Touch of the flu, I like to call it. That’s the code word in my family for ‘I drank myself stupid last night’. Good times.

The moral of this story is I need to get my ass out dancing more often. Simple.

Unremarkable

Obsession lost but not forgotten
Little pieces of me left behind
Continuing trials of strength and character
Black thoughts and white noise

girl

This is about a girl with a secret.

A secret she knows may not be accepted by most. She feels strange and abnormal. She wonders why she has these needs and dark desires.

This is about a girl with a secret.

A secret she has never shared with anyone. Her secret makes her smile. It gives her power and control, which is a most fantastic paradox.

This is about a girl with a secret.

Burn, Baby, Burn

Blog friends, I am hot and I don’t mean in a good-looking kind of way. Hot as in freaking fry an egg on my head and call it a day. Sweet Christ, soooo hot. How does one function when it’s 90 degrees INSIDE your house for three straight days? You get in your car and drive around with your air conditioning full blast. Yeah, did you say driving on a ‘Spare the Air’ day is oh so politically incorrect? (Do all states have Spare the Air days or is it only in my smog filled state?) Not to mention gas costs a small fortune. Plus, my car is getting old. I don’t trust it not to just up and die on me, costing me thousands. Is it a problem to have the radio on, air cond blasting and the DVD player hooked up so the kids can watch Monsters, Inc. so they don’t bother me while I drive just to cool off? Dramatic? Who me? Just shoot me and put me out of my misery.

I was listening to The Raconteurs this weekend repeatedly. I have this habit that whenever I get a new CD I love I play it constantly until I can’t stand it anymore. That probably means that I have some sort of OCD thing going, but I’m too tired to analyze that tidbit at the moment.

What else, well my TV stopped working and my clothes dryer decided to quit on me. Good times.

Monday’s Wish List:

Cold bubbly beverages
Massage
Cool shower
Rinse
Repeat