Part 2

It’s been a while and I’m hesitant. I look into your eyes and scan your face trying to remember what I first thought when I met you. Was it your voice that caught me or your outlook on life that attracted me? I was surprised to hear from you and not surprised at all. I wanted to ignore you and continue assuming that you are happy in the choice you made, but so often the choices we make are only comfortable for a moment and life and reality make us second guess.

You pull my hand towards you and I let you take the lead. I lay over you and press my lips you yours. The familiar feelings come rushing back with each kiss, each touch as I let you move to my breast. I hold back. I can’t give you all of me.

I move down your chest my lips tasting and kissing. I remember how you felt the first time. The words you said as we moved together. I push it down this is not about before it’s about now and it’s different this time. I begin to remember you knew how to stroke me in just the right spot. You ask if I missed you and you already know the answer. I don’t want to admit anything that leaves me vulnerable. Self-preservation should not allow it, but when you touch me I can not hide that I missed you deeply.

I do not ask if I will see you again. I really do not want to know, but if you call, I will be here.

Take Care

I feel let down and overwhelmed by…nothing. Nothing I can put my finger on…depression maybe? Considering my life at times I’m not surprised, but it makes me feel weak and I really dislike that feeling.

Do you ever have a day where you just want to pick up the phone and call someone that you know you shouldn’t call…swore you wouldn’t call but are compelled to talk to anyway. I’m having that day. I just want to hear their voice, what’s going on in their life and selfishly talk about what’s going on in mine. It would be a very bad idea. I know they don’t want to talk and all I would end up doing is making an ass out of myself and hugely regretting making the damn call. So I won’t…but dammit I want to.

I feel better now that I wrote that all down. Funny that.

On a more uplifting note, Mother’s Day was very nice. I’m looking at a hand painted jewelry box with glued on jewels and ‘Mom’ written across the top in puffy paint and the best part is when I open it has what my son calls a “love note” a cut out heart with “I Love You, Mom” written on it.

The sweet balance of life…it’s what keeps me going.

Promiscuous Girl

Well…it’s been awhile since I’ve had anything to write here. In fact, I still don’t have anything to write…just thought I should post a little something since it’s been so long.

Things are going well. Life goes on, etc, etc. I feel good and smell good so that counts for something.

I have plans to go to Las Vegas the end of May. I’m truly excited about getting out of town. It isn’t my dream vacation but it’s a vacation nonetheless and I’ll take it…and you know what they say…”what happens in Vegas….blah blah blah. Every time I mention to someone that I’m going I get that line thrown at me… am I that transparent? :)

My sex life was really good there for a while but has since petered out. There is something to be said for regular sex. My last partner liked kink and damn…I’m going to miss it. My inner slut was so happy. So do I take a break or go searching for my next fling? Maybe I’ll see if my next fling will find me. Good thing I love my vibrator…

Thrive

The feel of your chest beneath my hands
Warm, strong and lovely
I ride
Moving slowly, taking my pleasure
My head thrown back with breasts thrust forward
I rock
For a moment, I’m alone
A hand in my hair brings me back to you
A rough thrust
I shudder and collapse
My hair hides our faces
A kiss of awe and gratitude
I thrive

a sucker born every day

I truly feel like an idiot today. I am a total fucking dimwit …yes, dimwit is weak, but it’s all I can come up with right now. I may deserve harsher words but I’m not totally to blame…in fact I shouldn’t blame myself at all. I was lied to and I wholly believed. I wanted to believe…hell, I still want to believe, and that’s why I’m beating myself up over it. I’ve prided myself on being intuitive…guess I’ve lost that skill. Fuck. Me.

Oh well...back on the horse.

Spread me open
What do you see?
My body is what I offer
My heart is my own
Take your fill
I give it freely

Live, love, laugh and have lots and lots of sex…

My days have been crazed or should I say I’ve been distracted. It wasn’t a distraction I was looking for either. It came out of nowhere and wholly took over. I’ve since come to my senses and have perspective, which is so very important. I don’t do well with the unknown or those nasty have no control over feelings and experiences…especially when it’s not going my way. Does this make any sense? You know what? I don’t care. This is a brain dump. I’ve been sort of fucked up lately and it’s been messing with my mind and when my mind is messed up everything else becomes less important. It’s a vicious cycle and one I have no patience with. I’ve got way too much going on in my life to allow any type of distraction to do damage. Oh, and if you haven’t guessed, yes this is about a man. A man I have realized wasn’t worth all this BS.

When I meet a man that I feel any chemistry and attraction to I tend to jump in headfirst. I dive right in without much thought. This is rather immature and usually causes some pretty spectacular results. Whether good or bad it’s intense.

After my failed marriage, I was so starved for attention and human touch I would leap into relationships (if you can even call it that) that I knew were destined to fail just for the distraction. Now this doesn’t mean I didn’t care for these men that were caught up in my dysfunction. I just knew they would fizzle because my head was in the wrong space for anything mature and long term. In fact, I would only seek out the ‘friends with benefits’ type of deal. Safe…right! (hey, I already confessed to being immature). Well, it’s safe as long as both folks can keep their emotions in check. This works sometimes and sometimes it can suck the life out of you.

So, where does this leave me? Nowhere, really. I’m seeing a couple of guys, neither is serious. I find that if I see more than one man at the same time I don’t get caught up. Don’t judge…it has it’s perks. Especially if you’re a sex loving fiend like moi.

A Touch

I hear music playing so very far away. Sight is lost and it begins. A gentle brush of fingertips over skin. Skin that feels electric and so very hot. The anticipation has been overwhelming. This need to lay hands on you. I hover over you giving you the lightest of massages. I feel, smell, grasp, and take, always taking. My overpowering desire to touch and be touched. Deep and true, it runs through me, takes over me. Senses come alive and command my movements. It goes on without thought. I have become lost, spinning, drowning. Slowly, so painfully slow. I want to scream and shake the walls. It’s too much or never enough but it’s all I have to give.

Crash

Am I half full or half empty? I am a person who is not whole. I failed something or someone. Mainly myself. Why, why, why do I feel like this? I alone forge the path. I alone walk ahead. Make the most of my day, week, year. I have power. I am empowered. Talk the talk but can’t walk the walk. I am boring and bored and each day brings more of the same. If I had an outlet, I would scream, wail, weep until I felt no more. Each beat of my pulse moving me toward a unforeseen goal. The light is just illumination. It is no brighter today than yesterday. I will not move a muscle. Lazy, lazy, lazy is my way. How can one be full without purpose? I sit on my hands waiting for someone to bring it to me. I am not lost just gone astray. My path is covered in weeds. If I run I’ll never live. If I don’t run, I’ll freeze. What part of me wants the calm? Do I need chaos? Do I crave the unattainable just to fail? Why is this so awe-inspiring yet undermining? Move forward and don’t look back at the crash. It is over and gone. My life understated.

"We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools."

~Martin Luther King Jr.

hole

seeking a place where the rain won’t find me

seeking a place where the sun won’t blind me

a place that covers me whole

alone

peace is what i search on this path i roam

is the truth what i seek or simply escape
i loathe this hunt and fear the toll

alone

Oral Fixation

Eyes on yours as I take you all in.
You shudder and moan.
I know what you need and how to make you struggle.
I tease and your expression is one of amusement, yet desire fills your eyes.
I will not release you until I must.
I enjoy this, this control.

This is my oral fixation.

How Do You Do

Typical.

That is how my year has begun. In typical fashion, this year has already been filled with great highs and lows and it’s only 9 days in… I won’t go into the gory details but it would be really nice to have some small highs and small lows without these life altering rip my heart out make me want to go live under a rock swings. Fuck me.

I do believe that this year will be better than last. I guess it’s just going to take a bit longer for me to see the fruit of my labor, whatever that means. I have no regrets just apprehension and a bit of good ole fashion fear. Fear that I am going fuck it ALL up and I’m the least of my worries. I'm beginning to sound like a broken record...

Hope vs. Hopeless

It is time to reflect a time to ponder what last year brought or wrought. I make no New Years resolutions and I never have. I'll never stick to them and who wants to fail so early in a new year? My only desire is hope. This is an old wish and depending on what’s going on in my life more important some years than others. Hope…a simple four-letter word. It can be addicting as a drug and boy do I jones for it. I hope for many things including the usual laundry list most people hope for in their day to days plus a few non-conventional items. I want to believe if you have hope that the rest will fall into place. Hope drives action and creates determination.

It’s been a bumpy year for me full of ups and downs. I’m not complaining. I made choices some tough and some very easy and I’m living with the fall out. I’m a bit afraid of what the future will bring but I have hope…hope that I will find my way.


NYE Recap

Note to Self:

Annalis, you cannot drink as you could ten years ago so quit pretending as if you can. You will suffer and suffer and suffer some more. Girl, get a clue.

My god people what was I thinking. Well, I know what I was thinking…Annalis, you haven’t been out on New Years Eve in 10 years so let’s go crazy, let's get nuts. Therefore, I overindulged just a bit. It was immature to say the least, fun but stupid. I paid the price and yesterday as I was trying to do very quiet things with my kids I promised myself that I would never drink that much ever again. Hmmm…maybe I do have a New Years resolution after all. Failure's always an option...right?