I recently exposed myself to someone. No, it’s not what you think. Not literally (although that can lead to good times). I opened up and admitted I’m far from perfect. This admission was based on the result of past actions and not a confession. And you know the saying ‘action speaks louder than words’ blah blah blah. Now, I never profess perfection. Ok, maybe sometimes I hint to people I’m perfect. I’m not. Please, control your shock and awe.
What I do profess to be is strong and in control. What I mean by ‘profess’ is to put up a front, talk a big game, etc. Sometimes, I actually am in control. Tightly in control. To the point of overcompensating. However, rarely do I feel strong. I realize this is a result of my pending divorce and my own self-flagellation for allowing it to get to this point. Guilt can do a serious number on ones psyche. I am woman hear me roar. Weakness is not acceptable. Right? If I am weak then I need someone to take care of me…vicious cycle, huh? Deep down I just want a partner. An equal partner in all things.
Interestingly, when people first meet me they believe I am this independent, strong, got it together gal. I revel in this first impression. It empowers me and for a while, I believe it too.
This exposure, if you will, has opened my eyes. Not only did the recipient of this revelation offer support and an ear, he also told me to buck up (in a very nice way). “Easier said than done” was my reply. Weak response don’t you think? I’ve been hiding behind that for a while now.
The time has come for me to truly be the strong person I know I am and can be. No more pretending. Now wish me luck, cause I’m scared shitless.
6 comments:
I salute you for having the courage to want to change things you don't like about yourself.
I'm proud of you.
Strong is good, but weakness is not always a weakness beautiful. Allow people in, be open to it. Protect yourself yes, but don't be so strong that you put up a wall that allows no one to truly get to know you. It is a tricky balance I know, but keeping that balance will allow you to find the one that will truly appreciate you... an equal partner in ALL things.
My wish for you.
Good luck--you shouldn't have too far to go because your strength already shines through in your writing...
Anna, speaking as someone who's been where you are now, and who also likes to think he's strong and kind of invulnerable, I understand how frightening it can be to realsie that - in fact - you're hurting, and you're scared.
Take all the support that's offered, because it helps. And realise that this phase in your life will come to an end, and that you'll look back one day and it'll seem like it was all happening to somebody else.
Acknowledging that we're just human is sometimes so difficult. I wonder why that is.
The real trick is to keep doing it.
Kent - Thank you! I appreciate all of your support. :)
Art - Wise words. Thank you.
TJ - Really? What a compliment...
WDKY - Are you trying to tell me that I'm normal? That is so sweet!
Mad - You are absolutely right.
PM - Thank you your support means alot...
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