Thoughts Of You

Lying on my back in the dark
Moonlight filters through the window shade
Hands touching my body
Fingertip lightly touching my breast
My face starts to flush
Such light touches cause my stomach to tense with anticipation
Just the beginning

Making this last is part of the pleasure
Hands move lower now
Slow circles
I force myself to slow down
I have such a strong desire to finish, now
This feeling of bliss lasts such a short time
So self-indulgent, so freeing
An explosion of sensation
Just the beginning

Lettuce Romaine Friends

When I first realized my marriage was on the rocks I spoke to many of my friends about it. Most were very supportive and had lots of suggestions. Once they all realized that my marriage wasn’t just hitting a rough patch but most likely ending an interesting thing began to happen. I began to categorize my friends in three groups.

The Fixers

The Sympathizers

The Unconditional Supporters

The Fixers - no matter what I would say they felt that it could be fixed with a quick word or two. “Go to counseling, communicate more, make a date night, etc”. They really didn’t want to hear the truth. They didn’t want us to get divorced because it affected them as well. We have a circle of friends and this would break it up. After a while, they started to question my motives. WTF?

The Sympathizers - fellow divorcees. These are mostly women who have been down the road of divorce and are self-proclaimed ‘experts’. They give advice freely and without being asked. One can learn a lot from this group, although sometimes they can be a bit overzealous.

The Unconditional Supporters - my true friends. Leave it to a divorce to weed out the weak. These are my Peeps. They support me. Period. I don’t have many Unconditional Supporters, but I cherish them. These are friends for life. I pay homage to these few and hope someday I can pay them back in kind.

Your Birthdate: October 30

You have the type of personality that people either love or hate. You're opinionated, dramatic, intense, and very outspoken. And some people can't get enough of you - they're totally addicted. Others, well, they wish you were a little more reserved. Your strength: Your flair Your weakness: If you think it, you say it Your power color: Scarlet red Your power symbol: Inverted triangle Your power month: March

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Escape

Hello. Are you there? I’d like to see you. Yes, now. No, I can’t wait. Will you come? Let’s go away. Somewhere the world can’t penetrate. Somewhere that we can just be. Where we can stop pretending and be ourselves. Why? It’s become too much. This pressure I feel. I’m overwhelmed by it. I’m losing myself and the balance I strive so hard to maintain. I need release. I need peace. I have so much work ahead and I’m alone. Will you come? I’m begging. Please.

A First

I had a first last week, friends. After it was over, I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t done it before. I want more.

I’m talking about phone sex. Yes, I know, how could I have gone so long without it? I have no idea. Well, yes I do, but now is not the time to take a walk to the bitter barn. I realize that this is rather tame in the realm of sex play, but a first is a first and baby, this was one heck of a first. Besides, if you can’t have the real thing this is a rather satisfying alternative.

Now, it wasn’t just what he said, but how he said it. He seemed to know exactly what I wanted to hear. It was a combination of voice, perfect words, and a practiced inflection.

I’m not sure if my partner was aware I was a newbie. He never asked and I never said. I hope it was as good for him as it was for me. Practice makes perfect and here’s hoping I have lots and lots of practice (I was going to say here’s hoping I become a professional, but that’s so not my goal).

Gotta go, my phone’s ringing…

More

Bodies slick with sweat
Hearts pounding
Panting breath
Still on the edge
A touch would send me over again
I stretch my limbs
Reach over my head
Reveling in the feeling
A soreness that makes me smile
Seconds have passed since you rolled off me
I reach out
You are near, so I must touch you
You whisper in my ear
I moan and roll on top of you
Again I say, again

Keeping It Real**

I started this blog to help me sort out my thoughts, feelings, and overall bitchiness. I needed an outlet and what a cool thing to have, this online journal. A place I can pour out my guts, so to speak, in an anonymous fashion. When I began, I really didn’t know what would come of it. I didn’t even think it would last. I tend to start things with gusto only to get bored quite quickly.

An amazing thing started to occur. I had other people reading this blog o’mine. Hmmmm…do they actually like what they read. Could they possibly have something in common with little ole me? How fascinating. How refreshing. How thought provoking. Nevertheless, did I want to write for them or me? An audience is an amazing concept and for me can ruin some of my so-called creativity. Will they read this and think I’m one crazy mofo? Why do I care? This is my blog and if you don’t like it you can leave. But…I do care.

See, I have this sickness. It's called "I really want people to like me." When people don’t like me I’m bothered. Now I am far from perfect and not everyone is going to find me irresistible. However much I want them to. Jeez, see it’s a sickness and I don’t admit it very often. In fact, if you met me you would never know I had this problem. I can be one cold bitch just ask my soon to be ex.

The sickest part is that I don’t always speak my mind because I’m so damned worried that someone won’t like me. Yes, this stems from some sort of insecurity. I’m sure I could go “talk” to a professional but I’ve given up on “talking” to anyone about my problems that I have to pay. It’s left a bad taste in my mouth.

I would like to thank my fellow bloggers especially the ones that keep coming back to read whatever it is I have to say. And if you decide that you don't like me anymore please keep it to yourself...


**This topic was stolen from a very recent post I read from a very special blogger friend. Thank you!

Slut?

Now before I get started, I’d like to say that being a slut is not derogatory. If you embrace your inner slut or inner whore, I find this to be a wonderful and liberating thing. On the other hand, it can be a painful reminder of days past.

In my teens and early twenties being considered a slut or a whore was tantamount to being a leper where I grew up. You are allowed to have dirty thoughts or to talk about sex, but if you actually followed through your reputation was ruined. When girls are labeled a slut or whore, they immediately have less girlfriends and a whole lot more boy friends. Funny that. Looking back maybe I should have had more sex, but honestly most of the boys I had sex with didn’t know what the heck they were doing so sex just wasn’t that great. In fact, I always wondered what these girls were getting out of the experience. Now I know. Lucky early bloomers!

I have now found and embraced my inner slut. It took me 36 years. I enjoy having sex, talking about it, writing about it, and thinking about it. Will I be respected for it? Will I be seen as an object or just less? These questions do come to mind time to time and any kind of confrontation can be painful. I think you get to a certain age and it’s much less important. Right now, I just plan to enjoy.

Be My Friend

I’m exhausted. I’ve done nothing but fight, argue or listen to my soon to be ex. God, he sucks the life right out of me. I’m gone, nothing but a shadow of my former self when he and I talk. Sadly enough, I’m over him and I just don’t get that upset anymore when we talk about the pending divorce.

I’ve had to have these really difficult conversations with him lately. You know the kind that either really pump you up; you’re hyped and glad to be going to war, so to speak, or you are so wiped out and tired and frustrated that you’re worn out before you even say word one? I’ve been on the wiped out end of the spectrum lately. I think it’s from saying the same thing repeatedly and not being heard. He states that he just wants me to be happy. Oh, and that he is the only one that can make me happy. If he truly wanted me to be happy he would realize I can’t be happy with him. Does this make sense? Sweet Christ I’m exhausted.

I am currently sitting here at work, listening to my iPod. Love my job… My boss is out of town and things are slow and easy. It won’t last so I will enjoy it while I can. I live to serve.

What an effing boring post. I hate it when my personal life gets in the way of my creative juices. I guess it doesn’t help that I’m premenstrual. I get angry and horny all at the same time. Then I get angry that I’m horny. I am off the charts today.

Just Words

can I say the words
this thought goes through my head
I wait

I can’t see your face
your reaction
please, I say

not good enough, I know
moans, groans
unintelligible sounds flow from my lips without thought

touch me, I whisper
fingers, lips, tongue
more, I beg

that forbidden spot
it feels so good
fuck, shit, damn, come

Things I Don't Love

Not Having Sex for Six Months ~
Six long, long, long months. Nuff said. No, I lied. I have more to say. Bob’s (battery operated boyfriends) are nice, but they don’t take the place of the real thing. Not even close.

Traffic ~
Well this is a no brainer, I mean who loves traffic anyway. I travel over a bridge during my commute and every time I pass through the tollbooth it feels like they are sucking out a piece of my soul to give to their minions. Actually, it’s just my time and money but it feels the same.

Peas ~
Yes, this is childish but it’s my list so what ya gonna do. I dislike peas. Really, really dislike peas.

Lack of Customer Service ~
Am I the only one that’s noticed no one in the service industry gives a flying eff about whether I’m satisfied? When I do encounter good customer service, I tell all my friends and I just about embarrass myself complimenting said service. In a past life, I was a Customer Service Rep. for a department store that rhymes with Monkey Hordes. I think this tainted me for life.

Depending on my Car ~
I live in an area that I have to drive everywhere. Public transportation is available if I have two hours to spare to commute one way and have no kids to drop off at school. Car trouble just freaks me out. I have this fear of stalling on the bridge (where the soul sucking minions live) and cause an amazing traffic backup.


I've been in a listy kind of mood....

Things I Love...

Sex with someone I trust ~
Hard, intense sex. Anything goes and I mean anything without embarrassment or worry you will squick out your partner.

Surprised by a book ~
Meaning I pick a book up expecting it to be OK and it turns out to be exceptional. Love it when this happens.

Dancing ~
Loud music, work up a sweat dancing. Letting go on the dance floor just makes me feel free.

Waking up in the morning with a warm body pressed against my back ~
Even better with a hard body part pressed against my ass.

Being alone ~
I love alone time. This is a rare and precious thing.

Crème Brulee ~
Currently, my favorite dessert! This does change from time to time...

Sunsets at the beach ~
I live in California and I’m so very lucky I get to experience this whenever I desire. Yes, corny but true.

My children ~
They bring light to my life.