Just Breathe

Well, I'm another year older. After 30, birthdays just go down hill. Instead of a big party or celebration all I really want to do is sit in a dark room and weep over my lost youth. I will not grow old gracefully. Yeah, yeah, youth is a state of mind, blah, blah, blah. After my pity party I feel guilty. I'm healthy, have beautiful kids and am somewhat sane. I'm not taking any meds, yet. I have a lot to live for and generally enjoy life. So I'm going to get off my ass. Hoo-boy. Maybe I do need meds at minimum a few cocktails. I'm rambling.

Since it's Halloween my company decided to have a dress up day. Now, I enjoy dressing up for Halloween parties, but not for work. You have to wear your costume all freaking day and after I drop off the kids and pick up my coffee I am already sick of my costume. Unless you're a hippy, which is lame, most costumes are not comfortable for all day wear. Plus it has to be work appropriate, the french maid outfit stays in the closet. I opted to not dress up today and only about 3 people total came in costumes. Pathetic. Although, the free lunch was nice.

I just started a yoga class and I like it. I can do this bare foot and without a jog bra! Why now? I have no idea. I'm pissed I didn't try it sooner. In the past if I went to the gym I joined the step class or at least kickboxing. Which was fine, but yoga is just more enjoyable. It kicks my ass, but I feel really good afterwards.

Submit

lust
need
hunger
control
want
darkness
light
strength
surrender
i submit to you

Independence

Independence can be extremely freeing or very limiting. I am fiercely independent. Why? I got burned, badly. I didn’t know it at the time, but this experience would change my life. It was a subtle change but profound.

I have always been very proud of my independence. I could never understand my girlfriend’s decision to give up everything and depend solely on their spouses or partners. It was baffling. What if they were left with nothing?

Now that I’m older I also appreciate how my fierce independence has become limiting. Has this affected my relationships? You bet. Haven’t had a successful one yet. It comes down to trust and control. Sometimes, I envy those women who trusted enough to completely change their lives. They at least were willing to take a risk. I don’t know if I can let my guard down, but maybe I will find a happy balance. If not, I’ll always have me.

Rainy Monday

It's raining and it's Monday. Yeah!

Recap of my weekend -

Friday:
I'll start with Friday since it was a good day. My friend called me up while I was driving into work.

Me: hello
K: Are you at work yet?
Me: No, I just left Starbucks after waiting 20 minutes in the drive thru lane (note to self: drive thru sucks, get your lazy ass out of the car and go inside next time).
K: So do you want to play hooky?
Me: Huh?
K: Do you want to play hooky?
Me: (ever responsible) No, I can't I have reports to run and distribute, etc. etc. (my fault since I procrastinated all flippin week), but I can leave early. I'll meet you at 12:00.
K: Great! Let's go shopping.

So, we met and had lunch at California Pizza Kitchen. We split a Pear and Gorgonzola Pizza (yeah, it's California cuisine) it was tasty. We also had a Sam Adams to wash it down. Then we shopped. Never shop for jeans after pizza and beer. Enough said. I still found plenty to buy and enjoyed myself immensely.Went home and had a date with my latest book, Grave Sight by Charlene Harris. Good read!

Saturday:
My car decides to die at a stoplight. I freak. I hate, hate car trouble with a white hot passion. I mean I will sell my car if I think it's about to give me a bunch of mechanical problems. I loath dealing with mechanics, but because I have to drive to hell and back everyday I take it in and what do you know!! They can't find anything wrong. If I stall on the bridge, someone is going to get hurt. Anyone that drives across the bridges here in the Bay Area can appreciate my pain.

So, that night I meet a friend at a restaurant/bar. I am waiting for her at said bar, a guy comes in and sits next to me. I'm checking him out, because why the heck not. I look him in the eye and say hello. I have a pet peeve about people who won't look you in the eye. So, we chat a bit. Nothing to interesting, weather etc. Then unexpectedly he asks if I'm single.
Guy: So, are you single?
Me: Wow that was direct. (yes, I was stalling)
Guy: I am very direct. Less bullshit.
Me: OK. I can respect that. Because I respect that, I'll be honest and tell you I'm going through a divorce.
Guy: Oh.

Now get this...he gets up and leaves!! No goodbye, no I'm not interested. Sweet Christ I think I need to move away from this yuppie city. Good thing I didn't mention I had kids he would have run screaming.

Sunday:
Pretty uneventful. Spent some time at the park with the kids. Spent some time on Craig’s List looking for a new place to live. I love Craig’s List. Where else can you get a used treadmill, job, apartment, date, or just a casual encounter (NSA sex). Who doesn't want to be a missed connection? I can spend hours there.

Sixteen Children = Insanity

My reaction to this article.

All sixteen names start with J. Can you imagine how often they are called by the right name, uh...never. Joshua, no I mean Jerimiah, no I mean Jinger....wtf? I have two kids and I get confused. Every now and then when I'm really miffed the dog's name is thrown in for good measure.

In my humble opinion, children are extremely challenging and yet extremely rewarding. How in the world can you bring sixteen children into the world and provide them with the care and attention they each deserve.

BFB

I work in a office of about 125 people. Most of these people are male. Most of these males are socially cripples. What I mean is that they are either overly friendly (in a creepy stalker kind of way) or will totally ignore me no matter how friendly I am. Also, eye contact is way overated, but eye to chest contact is fine. Me being the chest. Yes, I have big breasts, hooters, boobies, tits, whatever turns your crank. Nothing like walking down the hall and having half of the men you walk by glance at your chest.... some at lease will pull their eyes away when I get close. God, the things I put up with climbing up the corporate ladder (this is sarcasm). Anyway, moral of the story is: Guys - You are not sly, women always know when you are checking out her chest. Always!

And why you ask am I posting about this today? It's Monday and I had a lot of eye to boob contact today.





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Welcome To My Blog

Will anyone read this? Just looking for a place to rant and rave about my life.

What can I say, it's Friday (yeah!) work is been a bit slow today. I am going through a divorce, after being sooo unhappy for so long. Why oh why did I let him bully and manipulate me for so long? I guess it was easier than admitting our marriage was over. With two kids in the mix it made it even easier to pretend everything was OK. Funny thing is everyone is giving me the stink eye because I'm the one that wants to leave. WTF? Can no one remember all the crap from the past? This is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life and making the decision to leave was pure hell.

I'll be spending my Saturday at Chuck Up Cheese. Who created this little slice of hell for parents? I'll be sure to take 3 or 10 Advil before I get there. Yes, I know kids love it and I mean love it!! Why can't they at lease make the pizza taste good. It's cardboard. Then after your kids play all of the arcade games, skeeball, etc. your job is to gather the million tickets that the machines spit out at them. Then the real fun begins...trying to get your kids to pick out what crap (oops I meant prize) they want. Of course, one million tickets only gets them a spider ring and a bug tattoo, but they want the damn Spiderman toy that would require an additional 5 million tickets and because Mommy is trying desperately to hold on to her sanity attempts to bribe the kid behind the counter. This will not work, but I'll try anyway. After I get home I'll have a cocktail to settle the nerves and maybe a nap.