This is what I'm thinking...

Regret over the Frosted Flakes I ate this morning.

The work I’m not doing while I write this post.

Finishing my mocha, which is now luke warm.

Should I do the spray on tan or just tan in a can? I don’t “lay out” anymore. I’m so pale I glow.

Do I use the pink Post It Notes or blue today? Remember when they were all yellow so no decision had to be made? I miss those days.

My next trip to San Diego.

How proud I am that my son is loving school. At least this month.

How bummed I am that my other son refuses to use the potty. I’m convinced he’ll be wearing diapers into his teens and should I really care?

Signing my kids up for soccer. This is requires mental prep as well.

My hair is starting to feather again. It’s doing this on it’s own with no help from me. I must admit I kinda like it. I feel all Charlie’s Angels. Empowerment in hair? You betcha!

Reese’s pieces.

A big stiff one (imagination required).

Lost In Translation

I want to run away from home. Of course, this just means run away from my problems, stress and the daily grind but damn it’s tempting. Just get in the car, include the kids of course and go. I have friends, family, and acquaintances that would let me stay with them…at least for a little while.

Lately, I’ve felt like I was at a major turning point in my life but I look back and I realize I just kept going straight. Does that make sense? I have to get off my ass. AGAIN! Stop being a lazy shit. Change is hard, blah, blah, and blah. I have a million and one excuses. Don’t mean a thing.

A bit cryptic I know. Just getting a few things out of my head and on to paper so to speak.

Ahhh…the sweet smell of blogging.

slow
delicate
unforgettable
fresh
sweet

long
exquisite
intense
power
consume

heat
plead
fiery
beg
blaze

In Darkness and Light

In darkness, I find solace. It hides my flaws and expressions. I can be myself under this veil. I don’t have to struggle with truths or uncomfortable silence. I am alone and at peace. I have created a complicated web. A bittersweet slice of realism I swallow to feel whole. Feeling and thoughts ebb, flow, and I am riding every moment diffident.

In light, I find warmth. It allows my mind to wander and lust. I can be myself under its heat. I open my arms and gather strength and awareness. I am alone and serene. My deception is simple. A ruse I have no desire to control. I traverse this path without ease but with purpose. I remain tranquil and will persevere.

Escape

I have just returned from an amazing weekend down south, San Diego to be exact. I just love this city. I met a friend, K and was treated like a queen. We shopped, we ate, we drank and had all kinds of merriment.

I rarely get away alone and I took total advantage. Unfortunately, I over did it a bit and had several drinks the first day. Damn lemon drops…so tasty. Oh and several local beers. I just love the beer don’t you? Well, as you can imagine it didn’t take long before I was three sheets to the wind or something like that. Why do hangovers get so much worse with age? Poor K, I was very close to losing my lunch in his BMW. Luckily, a quick nap was all I needed to get back in the game. Oh and I can’t forget the massage, thank you K. Later, we shopped, ate some first-rate food drank a few more beers, visited a couple of really cool bars and had a lot of amazing conversation.

Overall, a very memorable weekend that ended to quickly. I miss K already. He was an incredible host and is an extraordinary person. I’m already planning my next trip.

Near

I walk slowly down the hallway. I feel good, ready for what lies ahead. I feel you behind the door. Your scent, always a comfort, always a reminder. Do you know I’m here? Yes, I think you do. You remain aloof and preoccupied, but I know you feel me too. You always know what I want and what I need. We’ve had this dance many times over. I want to run to you. I cannot. I wear nothing. A surprise for you lover. You see me in the reflection of the mirror. You watch me. You don’t move. Waiting for me to make my way to you. I kneel before you. It begins.

N Is For Nothing

Don’t you hate it when you want to post something fantastic and all you can come up with is trivial stuff that no one cares about? Stuff you don’t even care that much about. Well friends, that’s all I got. Consider yourself warned and please try to refrain from falling asleep.

~ It’s still raining. Yes, it’s been raining steady for the last month with no end in sight. Mudslides. Flooding. Road closures. A veritable paradise for weather men/women around the Bay Area.

~ Baseball season has started. I’m not a huge fan but baseball means spring & summer and that excites me. Let’s not forget the Barry Bonds scandal. It's added a bit of spice this season and I just love a good scandal.

~ Spending some time at Chuck E. Cheese this weekend. Nuff said.

~ Anyone else noticed that low-fat muffins sold at fine coffee chains around the country have the same consistency as rubber?

~ Why are all Trader Joe’s parking lots so darned crowded?

~ If someone warned you that when you have children you will catch at least 4-6 colds/viruses a year, would you still have them? That’s a joke. Of course, you would still have them. Right? Right?

Have a great weekend!

Exposed

I recently exposed myself to someone. No, it’s not what you think. Not literally (although that can lead to good times). I opened up and admitted I’m far from perfect. This admission was based on the result of past actions and not a confession. And you know the saying ‘action speaks louder than words’ blah blah blah. Now, I never profess perfection. Ok, maybe sometimes I hint to people I’m perfect. I’m not. Please, control your shock and awe.

What I do profess to be is strong and in control. What I mean by ‘profess’ is to put up a front, talk a big game, etc. Sometimes, I actually am in control. Tightly in control. To the point of overcompensating. However, rarely do I feel strong. I realize this is a result of my pending divorce and my own self-flagellation for allowing it to get to this point. Guilt can do a serious number on ones psyche. I am woman hear me roar. Weakness is not acceptable. Right? If I am weak then I need someone to take care of me…vicious cycle, huh? Deep down I just want a partner. An equal partner in all things.

Interestingly, when people first meet me they believe I am this independent, strong, got it together gal. I revel in this first impression. It empowers me and for a while, I believe it too.

This exposure, if you will, has opened my eyes. Not only did the recipient of this revelation offer support and an ear, he also told me to buck up (in a very nice way). “Easier said than done” was my reply. Weak response don’t you think? I’ve been hiding behind that for a while now.

The time has come for me to truly be the strong person I know I am and can be. No more pretending. Now wish me luck, cause I’m scared shitless.