Crash

Am I half full or half empty? I am a person who is not whole. I failed something or someone. Mainly myself. Why, why, why do I feel like this? I alone forge the path. I alone walk ahead. Make the most of my day, week, year. I have power. I am empowered. Talk the talk but can’t walk the walk. I am boring and bored and each day brings more of the same. If I had an outlet, I would scream, wail, weep until I felt no more. Each beat of my pulse moving me toward a unforeseen goal. The light is just illumination. It is no brighter today than yesterday. I will not move a muscle. Lazy, lazy, lazy is my way. How can one be full without purpose? I sit on my hands waiting for someone to bring it to me. I am not lost just gone astray. My path is covered in weeds. If I run I’ll never live. If I don’t run, I’ll freeze. What part of me wants the calm? Do I need chaos? Do I crave the unattainable just to fail? Why is this so awe-inspiring yet undermining? Move forward and don’t look back at the crash. It is over and gone. My life understated.

"We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools."

~Martin Luther King Jr.

hole

seeking a place where the rain won’t find me

seeking a place where the sun won’t blind me

a place that covers me whole

alone

peace is what i search on this path i roam

is the truth what i seek or simply escape
i loathe this hunt and fear the toll

alone

Oral Fixation

Eyes on yours as I take you all in.
You shudder and moan.
I know what you need and how to make you struggle.
I tease and your expression is one of amusement, yet desire fills your eyes.
I will not release you until I must.
I enjoy this, this control.

This is my oral fixation.

How Do You Do

Typical.

That is how my year has begun. In typical fashion, this year has already been filled with great highs and lows and it’s only 9 days in… I won’t go into the gory details but it would be really nice to have some small highs and small lows without these life altering rip my heart out make me want to go live under a rock swings. Fuck me.

I do believe that this year will be better than last. I guess it’s just going to take a bit longer for me to see the fruit of my labor, whatever that means. I have no regrets just apprehension and a bit of good ole fashion fear. Fear that I am going fuck it ALL up and I’m the least of my worries. I'm beginning to sound like a broken record...

Hope vs. Hopeless

It is time to reflect a time to ponder what last year brought or wrought. I make no New Years resolutions and I never have. I'll never stick to them and who wants to fail so early in a new year? My only desire is hope. This is an old wish and depending on what’s going on in my life more important some years than others. Hope…a simple four-letter word. It can be addicting as a drug and boy do I jones for it. I hope for many things including the usual laundry list most people hope for in their day to days plus a few non-conventional items. I want to believe if you have hope that the rest will fall into place. Hope drives action and creates determination.

It’s been a bumpy year for me full of ups and downs. I’m not complaining. I made choices some tough and some very easy and I’m living with the fall out. I’m a bit afraid of what the future will bring but I have hope…hope that I will find my way.


NYE Recap

Note to Self:

Annalis, you cannot drink as you could ten years ago so quit pretending as if you can. You will suffer and suffer and suffer some more. Girl, get a clue.

My god people what was I thinking. Well, I know what I was thinking…Annalis, you haven’t been out on New Years Eve in 10 years so let’s go crazy, let's get nuts. Therefore, I overindulged just a bit. It was immature to say the least, fun but stupid. I paid the price and yesterday as I was trying to do very quiet things with my kids I promised myself that I would never drink that much ever again. Hmmm…maybe I do have a New Years resolution after all. Failure's always an option...right?