It's been awhile I know. I’m so incredibly busy and distracted these days blogging has just not been a priority.
As I mentioned previously I’m in the process of moving. What a roller coaster ride that has been. Full of ups and downs with some really scary loop d'loops. Not to mention it’s soooo much work. It’s been a long time since I went through ‘a move’ and I had forgotten all the little details it takes to make sure I have all those creature comforts like electricity, phone and my favorite....Internet access.
I’m also planning my sisters baby shower, both of my sons birthday parties and the aforementioned move. So...holy crap my life is crazed.
All that being said, I will probably not post much for the month of October. I will still be checking in on all my favorite blogs as time allows and hopefully come November I’ll be back and writing up a storm.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Friday, September 22, 2006
Touch
I can hear the rain hitting the window. It’s loud and causes strange shapes to play on the wall. The room is humid and I feel the sweat drip between my breasts. You lay next to me, quiet. I smile at your profile and wonder what thoughts are running through your mind.
Fingers brushing mine with a light touch, they move slowly toward the source of my desire. The rain is no longer loud and the shadows on the wall are no longer a distraction. Your tongue laps gently at my skin. I lean into your touch, eager for more.
We move together. I taste your mouth and skin. The flavor that is only you overpowers my senses. We strive toward release. A build up that ends in a loud rush of sensation and noise. Hearts pounding as we lay still and touch.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Conundrum
When I first realized that I was ‘going through a divorce’ the reality of it hit me hard. I felt like hunkering down and licking my wounds. I did an amazing amount of self-reflection and had sort of a pity party, myself being the only invitee. Now, I feel like having one big house party. It’s far from over, but it’s on the horizon. I find I’m feeling a bit guilty about it. The guilt comes from knowing my children will be changed by this and not being able to predict how and in what ways.
I still go through little bouts of ugly. Especially after long and painful conversations with the ex. I believe I’ve said this before, but how the hell did I end up with him. I was just reading a similar sentiment in WDKY’s blog and couldn’t agree more. What does this say about my judgment and more importantly will I make the same mistake again? I became blind and an enabler (according to our therapist). I wanted to pretend everything was fine so instead of voicing my concerns I pretended they didn’t exist. When they became too bad to deal with any longer my ex simply didn’t believe I would ever do anything about it. He was wrong. It’s been a long road.
I am fortunate to have many fellow bloggers out there that have gone through similar experiences. And as the old saying goes misery loves company…but I must say the best part of reading other folks experiences is that a lot have come through better for it or at least having learned how to move forward and be strong. Thank you!
I still go through little bouts of ugly. Especially after long and painful conversations with the ex. I believe I’ve said this before, but how the hell did I end up with him. I was just reading a similar sentiment in WDKY’s blog and couldn’t agree more. What does this say about my judgment and more importantly will I make the same mistake again? I became blind and an enabler (according to our therapist). I wanted to pretend everything was fine so instead of voicing my concerns I pretended they didn’t exist. When they became too bad to deal with any longer my ex simply didn’t believe I would ever do anything about it. He was wrong. It’s been a long road.
I am fortunate to have many fellow bloggers out there that have gone through similar experiences. And as the old saying goes misery loves company…but I must say the best part of reading other folks experiences is that a lot have come through better for it or at least having learned how to move forward and be strong. Thank you!
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Sometimes the hardest things and the right things are the same…
I’m in currently in the process of finding a new place to live. It’s exciting and scary all at the same time. I lived alone prior to my marriage and I quite enjoyed it. Now, I won’t be alone. I’ll have the kids most of the time…but still this is something that I find amazingly freeing. My own place with no ties to the ex. They say it’s the little things and ‘they’ are right. Can’t wait to decorate and place all my stuff wherever I damn well please. It will be a rental so I can only go so crazy but I’ll get my own place soon enough and I am thrilled.
Huh, the end of my marriage and I’m excited about decorating…yes, maybe I need some help. Help, decorating that is…can someone say cynical. Yeah, I may have an inner slut but I also have an inner bitch and they get along quite well. I heart me. Feel the love.
Huh, the end of my marriage and I’m excited about decorating…yes, maybe I need some help. Help, decorating that is…can someone say cynical. Yeah, I may have an inner slut but I also have an inner bitch and they get along quite well. I heart me. Feel the love.
Friday, September 08, 2006
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
A Day in the Life…
Alarm goes off at 6:00am…snooze until 6:30am. Yes, I hit the snooze repeatedly, what can I say I’m not a morning person and what’s up with my snooze only lasting for 7 minutes! Can’t they create an alarm clock with a 10-minute snooze? Round up, people, I work so much better with even numbers.
Drag ass out of bed and stumble to the shower. Lean against the wall whilst I wait for the water to warm up…takes several minutes or so it seems. Close eyes and try not to fall back asleep.
Step into the shower and sigh…love the hot shower. Soap, wash, rinse, repeat. Oh, and let’s not forget to shave. I’m 5’8 so I have a lot of leg to shave and trust me at that time of the morning I’m wishing I was a few inches shorter.
Slide into my cozy robe and step into the bathroom to continue my morning routine. I won’t bore you with the details…bottom line…it takes time to get this gal out the door.
Once, I’ve finished with me the kids are next…which is challenging to say the least cause I passed on my ‘not a morning person’ to both my kids. Yeah. I have to get them up early than I should just so they can adjust to being awake before I make them eat breakfast…
We are out the door running. I try very hard not to be late. I try very hard…sometimes we make it and sometimes we don’t. I take my oldest to school and we wait until he’s hustled into his class. I smile at the teacher and speak to a few parents IF I’ve had enough coffee by this time. Some days I’m very friendly and some days I scowl. Then it’s off to preschool and again I make nice with the teachers and I’m off to work.
I work. I love my job and I know how fortunate I am. Won’t bore you with the particulars.
I leave. I’m fortunate that I have a daycare program that will pick up my son from school so I am able to keep a roof over our heads.
I wrangle with traffic to get to the daycare and pick up my children. Some days traffic and I get along, other days I cuss like the truck driver taking over two lanes and causing a back up of mass proportions. I enjoy cussing, feels good. Besides, I have to get it out of my system before the kidlets get in the car.
Darn, this is getting long and most likely boring as hell. I’m almost done.
We get home and snacks must be had…life will not continue if I don’t fix the snacks to keep all hell from breaking loose. Once the chaos slows I consider what we should have for dinner (a domestic goddess I’m not) and the kids play. Some days this requires my help like pushing them on the swing for hours and hours and hours. I can’t fault them…who doesn’t love the swings.
So let’s wrap this up. We eat dinner, bath the dirty monkeys, and proceed to bed.
If I’m lucky, I’ll get to catch a reality show or two…yes, a weakness but damn, they’re addicting.
Either I will eventually go to bed while reading or after I take some personal time, which is another post...
Alarm goes off at 6:00am…snooze until 6:30am…here we go again.
Drag ass out of bed and stumble to the shower. Lean against the wall whilst I wait for the water to warm up…takes several minutes or so it seems. Close eyes and try not to fall back asleep.
Step into the shower and sigh…love the hot shower. Soap, wash, rinse, repeat. Oh, and let’s not forget to shave. I’m 5’8 so I have a lot of leg to shave and trust me at that time of the morning I’m wishing I was a few inches shorter.
Slide into my cozy robe and step into the bathroom to continue my morning routine. I won’t bore you with the details…bottom line…it takes time to get this gal out the door.
Once, I’ve finished with me the kids are next…which is challenging to say the least cause I passed on my ‘not a morning person’ to both my kids. Yeah. I have to get them up early than I should just so they can adjust to being awake before I make them eat breakfast…
We are out the door running. I try very hard not to be late. I try very hard…sometimes we make it and sometimes we don’t. I take my oldest to school and we wait until he’s hustled into his class. I smile at the teacher and speak to a few parents IF I’ve had enough coffee by this time. Some days I’m very friendly and some days I scowl. Then it’s off to preschool and again I make nice with the teachers and I’m off to work.
I work. I love my job and I know how fortunate I am. Won’t bore you with the particulars.
I leave. I’m fortunate that I have a daycare program that will pick up my son from school so I am able to keep a roof over our heads.
I wrangle with traffic to get to the daycare and pick up my children. Some days traffic and I get along, other days I cuss like the truck driver taking over two lanes and causing a back up of mass proportions. I enjoy cussing, feels good. Besides, I have to get it out of my system before the kidlets get in the car.
Darn, this is getting long and most likely boring as hell. I’m almost done.
We get home and snacks must be had…life will not continue if I don’t fix the snacks to keep all hell from breaking loose. Once the chaos slows I consider what we should have for dinner (a domestic goddess I’m not) and the kids play. Some days this requires my help like pushing them on the swing for hours and hours and hours. I can’t fault them…who doesn’t love the swings.
So let’s wrap this up. We eat dinner, bath the dirty monkeys, and proceed to bed.
If I’m lucky, I’ll get to catch a reality show or two…yes, a weakness but damn, they’re addicting.
Either I will eventually go to bed while reading or after I take some personal time, which is another post...
Alarm goes off at 6:00am…snooze until 6:30am…here we go again.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Cha, Cha, Changes
Oh, what a week this has been. My son started kindergarten Monday and it has thrown me for a loop. New routines and new faces. I am incredibly happy and sad all at once. My baby is growing up. I know that it’s been much harder on me than him. I think he quite likes it. Kindergarten teachers are a special bunch of people.
Today would have been my 9-year anniversary with the ex. It still feels funny because the divorce is not final yet. He called me this morning and asked if we could be civil today. It made me sad and a bit upset. He swears he’s not trying to manipulate me but it’s far to late to feel anything but…
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.
~Robert Frost
Today would have been my 9-year anniversary with the ex. It still feels funny because the divorce is not final yet. He called me this morning and asked if we could be civil today. It made me sad and a bit upset. He swears he’s not trying to manipulate me but it’s far to late to feel anything but…
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.
~Robert Frost
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
On my knees.Hair hiding my eyes.
Swept away in lust.
A part of me wholly free.
Lost in the moment.
Lost while I feel you.
A need to hear you.
Strong hands grip my hair.
My eyes tell a story.
Of lust, passion, intensity.
Release of control.
This is my greed.
Selfishness my only excuse.
Take me, teach me, need me.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
I Wanna Be Sedated
Well, I have been a bit under the weather lately and not in a very blogging mood. I have wanted to recap my ‘girls’ night out for sometime. It was a couple of week ago and I had the best freaking time.
It all started out when my friend, whom I’ve been a friend with for about 16 years now, stated, “it’s time, we must go out and dance our asses off”. Who am I to argue? In case I haven’t mentioned this before I love, love to dance. The sweaty, shake your ass, for hours kind of dancing. It’s cathartic. Some people like to meditate. I dance.
So we plan, now here in the Bay Area we all call San Francisco ‘The City’. I guess when you live so close to the city by the bay it deserves such a title. Do people do this in all states?
I digress, so we head to a bar called ‘Bimbo’s’ (yes, how apropos) and see a live band named Tainted Love. They are a local band that plays all 80's music. What can I say? I’m not necessarily proud of it, but I am a product of the 80’s. Listening to this music takes me back to days where all I had to worry about was well, nothing really and I fucking miss it. My BFF and me were in the thick of it, dancing, singing, and sweating up a storm and in heaven. Oh yes, I can’t forget the drinking. Here’s one thing that’s changed since my beloved 80’s (or 90's) I can’t drink like I used to. WTF? My tolerance is much lower now and the several (forgive me I lost count) Morgan and diet cokes just about killed me. Sweet Christ, I lost a few days off my life. I get caught up and forget to pace myself. Luckily, no damage was done and if it was I don't remember so, it doesn’t count.
After Bimbo’s we walked or should I say stumbled to another bar and continued dancing, dancing, dancing. Life was good that night people. It was getting really late by now and we had made a few friends, which was fun cause the more the merrier in my book. When you aren’t looking for attention, it seems to cling to you like the stink of cigarettes the morning after. Funny that.
Now the next morning came too fast and I suffered, oh did I suffer. Touch of the flu, I like to call it. That’s the code word in my family for ‘I drank myself stupid last night’. Good times.
The moral of this story is I need to get my ass out dancing more often. Simple.
It all started out when my friend, whom I’ve been a friend with for about 16 years now, stated, “it’s time, we must go out and dance our asses off”. Who am I to argue? In case I haven’t mentioned this before I love, love to dance. The sweaty, shake your ass, for hours kind of dancing. It’s cathartic. Some people like to meditate. I dance.
So we plan, now here in the Bay Area we all call San Francisco ‘The City’. I guess when you live so close to the city by the bay it deserves such a title. Do people do this in all states?
I digress, so we head to a bar called ‘Bimbo’s’ (yes, how apropos) and see a live band named Tainted Love. They are a local band that plays all 80's music. What can I say? I’m not necessarily proud of it, but I am a product of the 80’s. Listening to this music takes me back to days where all I had to worry about was well, nothing really and I fucking miss it. My BFF and me were in the thick of it, dancing, singing, and sweating up a storm and in heaven. Oh yes, I can’t forget the drinking. Here’s one thing that’s changed since my beloved 80’s (or 90's) I can’t drink like I used to. WTF? My tolerance is much lower now and the several (forgive me I lost count) Morgan and diet cokes just about killed me. Sweet Christ, I lost a few days off my life. I get caught up and forget to pace myself. Luckily, no damage was done and if it was I don't remember so, it doesn’t count.
After Bimbo’s we walked or should I say stumbled to another bar and continued dancing, dancing, dancing. Life was good that night people. It was getting really late by now and we had made a few friends, which was fun cause the more the merrier in my book. When you aren’t looking for attention, it seems to cling to you like the stink of cigarettes the morning after. Funny that.
Now the next morning came too fast and I suffered, oh did I suffer. Touch of the flu, I like to call it. That’s the code word in my family for ‘I drank myself stupid last night’. Good times.
The moral of this story is I need to get my ass out dancing more often. Simple.
Monday, July 31, 2006
Unremarkable
Obsession lost but not forgotten
Little pieces of me left behind
Continuing trials of strength and character
Black thoughts and white noise
Little pieces of me left behind
Continuing trials of strength and character
Black thoughts and white noise
Thursday, July 27, 2006
girl
This is about a girl with a secret.
A secret she knows may not be accepted by most. She feels strange and abnormal. She wonders why she has these needs and dark desires.
This is about a girl with a secret.
A secret she has never shared with anyone. Her secret makes her smile. It gives her power and control, which is a most fantastic paradox.
This is about a girl with a secret.
Monday, July 24, 2006
Burn, Baby, Burn
Blog friends, I am hot and I don’t mean in a good-looking kind of way. Hot as in freaking fry an egg on my head and call it a day. Sweet Christ, soooo hot. How does one function when it’s 90 degrees INSIDE your house for three straight days? You get in your car and drive around with your air conditioning full blast. Yeah, did you say driving on a ‘Spare the Air’ day is oh so politically incorrect? (Do all states have Spare the Air days or is it only in my smog filled state?) Not to mention gas costs a small fortune. Plus, my car is getting old. I don’t trust it not to just up and die on me, costing me thousands. Is it a problem to have the radio on, air cond blasting and the DVD player hooked up so the kids can watch Monsters, Inc. so they don’t bother me while I drive just to cool off? Dramatic? Who me? Just shoot me and put me out of my misery.
I was listening to The Raconteurs this weekend repeatedly. I have this habit that whenever I get a new CD I love I play it constantly until I can’t stand it anymore. That probably means that I have some sort of OCD thing going, but I’m too tired to analyze that tidbit at the moment.
What else, well my TV stopped working and my clothes dryer decided to quit on me. Good times.
Monday’s Wish List:
Cold bubbly beverages
Massage
Cool shower
Rinse
Repeat
I was listening to The Raconteurs this weekend repeatedly. I have this habit that whenever I get a new CD I love I play it constantly until I can’t stand it anymore. That probably means that I have some sort of OCD thing going, but I’m too tired to analyze that tidbit at the moment.
What else, well my TV stopped working and my clothes dryer decided to quit on me. Good times.
Monday’s Wish List:
Cold bubbly beverages
Massage
Cool shower
Rinse
Repeat
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Things I like…
Root beer float
Sex ~ Hmmm, funny how I listed this after root beer float.
Air conditioning ~ heat wave, enough said.
Smoothie ~ Homemade blueberry & banana is my favorite
A nice refreshing dip in the pool, if I had one that is…did I say it was hotter than the hinges.
Some more sex
Yes, I’m stuck on a theme here. Let me revise my list.
Sex
Smoothie
Pool
Sex
Root beer float
Sex
Pool
Nap
Ok, that works. Have a great day and stay cool.
Sex ~ Hmmm, funny how I listed this after root beer float.
Air conditioning ~ heat wave, enough said.
Smoothie ~ Homemade blueberry & banana is my favorite
A nice refreshing dip in the pool, if I had one that is…did I say it was hotter than the hinges.
Some more sex
Yes, I’m stuck on a theme here. Let me revise my list.
Sex
Smoothie
Pool
Sex
Root beer float
Sex
Pool
Nap
Ok, that works. Have a great day and stay cool.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
My soul is thirsty
I’m heading out of town for a few days to beautiful Lake Tahoe. One of my favorite places to spend time.
It’s good for the soul.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
discontent
Spread thin and exposed, exhaustion and frustration take over.
Easy to slip into self-doubt and indecision.
Weakness is exposed and open for all to judge.
Little things become mountains to conquer.
This is the price I pay for my mistakes.
Will I rise above the insurmountable?
Eventually, I am certain.
I will be changed and will learn to find pleasure through discontent.
Care to join me?
Monday, July 03, 2006
Happy Independence Day
I wish you all an enjoyable Fourth of July.
Eat, drink, and drink some more.
Don’t forget to take a moment to give thanks for our freedom.
Peace.
Monday, June 26, 2006
Still alive and kicking…
I’d like to write that everything is moving along nicely with the divorce, but that would be a lie and anyone that has ever been through this (and you know who you are) it’s a roller coaster ride from hell. One day I think everything is going along as planned and then I’m confronted with another roadblock. Nothing and I mean nothing is easy. I’m doing my best not to become bitter. To not let this control every move or decision, but that’s what’s happening. I may never get married again. Didn’t I just say I was not going to become bitter? Well, I lied.
I recently had a fantastic weekend in San Francisco with Kent. He came up from San Diego. We shopped, ate some really great food and got our art on at the SF MOMA. We went east to an Oakland A’s game which was quite the event, seventeen innings to be exact. Good times.
I am officially a ‘soccer mom’ and I’m not sure how I feel about that title. I say official since my kids now play soccer. I realize that this is a generic title for a white suburban mom that schleps her kids to various extra curricular activities. Is this a good thing? Makes me feel old. I have always felt the need to fight conformity. Oh well, I am a mom who loves her kids enough to look past the moniker. I will be one with the burbs and all that goes with it. At least for now.
I recently had a fantastic weekend in San Francisco with Kent. He came up from San Diego. We shopped, ate some really great food and got our art on at the SF MOMA. We went east to an Oakland A’s game which was quite the event, seventeen innings to be exact. Good times.
I am officially a ‘soccer mom’ and I’m not sure how I feel about that title. I say official since my kids now play soccer. I realize that this is a generic title for a white suburban mom that schleps her kids to various extra curricular activities. Is this a good thing? Makes me feel old. I have always felt the need to fight conformity. Oh well, I am a mom who loves her kids enough to look past the moniker. I will be one with the burbs and all that goes with it. At least for now.
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
A Moment
I look over my shoulder and see you lying there. Chest heaving. A look of satiation on your face. You’re eyes are closed but I notice you are smiling just slightly. Are you thinking “ job well done”? Hmmmm, I wonder. I won’t ask because it will spoil this moment. I want to remember your face, your smell, your taste. These moments are rare. They mean something or maybe everything.
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