Annalis

Part 2

2007-05-22T10:44:00.000-07:00

It’s been a while and I’m hesitant. I look into your eyes and scan your face trying to remember what I first thought when I met you. Was it your voice that caught me or your outlook on life that attracted me? I was surprised to hear from you and not surprised at all. I wanted to ignore you and continue assuming that you are happy in the choice you made, but so often the choices we make are only comfortable for a moment and life and reality make us second guess.

You pull my hand towards you and I let you take the lead. I lay over you and press my lips you yours. The familiar feelings come rushing back with each kiss, each touch as I let you move to my breast. I hold back. I can’t give you all of me.

I move down your chest my lips tasting and kissing. I remember how you felt the first time. The words you said as we moved together. I push it down this is not about before it’s about now and it’s different this time. I begin to remember you knew how to stroke me in just the right spot. You ask if I missed you and you already know the answer. I don’t want to admit anything that leaves me vulnerable. Self-preservation should not allow it, but when you touch me I can not hide that I missed you deeply.

I do not ask if I will see you again. I really do not want to know, but if you call, I will be here.

Take Care

2007-05-16T10:40:00.000-07:00

I feel let down and overwhelmed by…nothing. Nothing I can put my finger on…depression maybe? Considering my life at times I’m not surprised, but it makes me feel weak and I really dislike that feeling.

Do you ever have a day where you just want to pick up the phone and call someone that you know you shouldn’t call…swore you wouldn’t call but are compelled to talk to anyway. I’m having that day. I just want to hear their voice, what’s going on in their life and selfishly talk about what’s going on in mine. It would be a very bad idea. I know they don’t want to talk and all I would end up doing is making an ass out of myself and hugely regretting making the damn call. So I won’t…but dammit I want to.

I feel better now that I wrote that all down. Funny that.

On a more uplifting note, Mother’s Day was very nice. I’m looking at a hand painted jewelry box with glued on jewels and ‘Mom’ written across the top in puffy paint and the best part is when I open it has what my son calls a “love note” a cut out heart with “I Love You, Mom” written on it.

The sweet balance of life…it’s what keeps me going.

Promiscuous Girl

2007-04-27T10:49:00.000-07:00

Well…it’s been awhile since I’ve had anything to write here. In fact, I still don’t have anything to write…just thought I should post a little something since it’s been so long.

Things are going well. Life goes on, etc, etc. I feel good and smell good so that counts for something.

I have plans to go to Las Vegas the end of May. I’m truly excited about getting out of town. It isn’t my dream vacation but it’s a vacation nonetheless and I’ll take it…and you know what they say…”what happens in Vegas….blah blah blah. Every time I mention to someone that I’m going I get that line thrown at me… am I that transparent? :)

My sex life was really good there for a while but has since petered out. There is something to be said for regular sex. My last partner liked kink and damn…I’m going to miss it. My inner slut was so happy. So do I take a break or go searching for my next fling? Maybe I’ll see if my next fling will find me. Good thing I love my vibrator…

Thrive

2007-03-23T11:49:00.000-07:00

The feel of your chest beneath my hands
Warm, strong and lovely
I ride
Moving slowly, taking my pleasure
My head thrown back with breasts thrust forward
I rock
For a moment, I’m alone
A hand in my hair brings me back to you
A rough thrust
I shudder and collapse
My hair hides our faces
A kiss of awe and gratitude
I thrive

a sucker born every day

2007-03-19T13:56:00.000-07:00

I truly feel like an idiot today. I am a total fucking dimwit …yes, dimwit is weak, but it’s all I can come up with right now. I may deserve harsher words but I’m not totally to blame…in fact I shouldn’t blame myself at all. I was lied to and I wholly believed. I wanted to believe…hell, I still want to believe, and that’s why I’m beating myself up over it. I’ve prided myself on being intuitive…guess I’ve lost that skill. Fuck. Me.

Oh well...back on the horse.

2007-03-09T13:36:00.000-08:00

Spread me open
What do you see?
My body is what I offer
My heart is my own
Take your fill
I give it freely

Live, love, laugh and have lots and lots of sex…

2007-03-01T10:09:00.000-08:00

My days have been crazed or should I say I’ve been distracted. It wasn’t a distraction I was looking for either. It came out of nowhere and wholly took over. I’ve since come to my senses and have perspective, which is so very important. I don’t do well with the unknown or those nasty have no control over feelings and experiences…especially when it’s not going my way. Does this make any sense? You know what? I don’t care. This is a brain dump. I’ve been sort of fucked up lately and it’s been messing with my mind and when my mind is messed up everything else becomes less important. It’s a vicious cycle and one I have no patience with. I’ve got way too much going on in my life to allow any type of distraction to do damage. Oh, and if you haven’t guessed, yes this is about a man. A man I have realized wasn’t worth all this BS.

When I meet a man that I feel any chemistry and attraction to I tend to jump in headfirst. I dive right in without much thought. This is rather immature and usually causes some pretty spectacular results. Whether good or bad it’s intense.

After my failed marriage, I was so starved for attention and human touch I would leap into relationships (if you can even call it that) that I knew were destined to fail just for the distraction. Now this doesn’t mean I didn’t care for these men that were caught up in my dysfunction. I just knew they would fizzle because my head was in the wrong space for anything mature and long term. In fact, I would only seek out the ‘friends with benefits’ type of deal. Safe…right! (hey, I already confessed to being immature). Well, it’s safe as long as both folks can keep their emotions in check. This works sometimes and sometimes it can suck the life out of you.

So, where does this leave me? Nowhere, really. I’m seeing a couple of guys, neither is serious. I find that if I see more than one man at the same time I don’t get caught up. Don’t judge…it has it’s perks. Especially if you’re a sex loving fiend like moi.

A Touch

2007-02-02T14:48:00.000-08:00

I hear music playing so very far away. Sight is lost and it begins. A gentle brush of fingertips over skin. Skin that feels electric and so very hot. The anticipation has been overwhelming. This need to lay hands on you. I hover over you giving you the lightest of massages. I feel, smell, grasp, and take, always taking. My overpowering desire to touch and be touched. Deep and true, it runs through me, takes over me. Senses come alive and command my movements. It goes on without thought. I have become lost, spinning, drowning. Slowly, so painfully slow. I want to scream and shake the walls. It’s too much or never enough but it’s all I have to give.

Crash

2007-01-22T14:12:00.000-08:00

Am I half full or half empty? I am a person who is not whole. I failed something or someone. Mainly myself. Why, why, why do I feel like this? I alone forge the path. I alone walk ahead. Make the most of my day, week, year. I have power. I am empowered. Talk the talk but can’t walk the walk. I am boring and bored and each day brings more of the same. If I had an outlet, I would scream, wail, weep until I felt no more. Each beat of my pulse moving me toward a unforeseen goal. The light is just illumination. It is no brighter today than yesterday. I will not move a muscle. Lazy, lazy, lazy is my way. How can one be full without purpose? I sit on my hands waiting for someone to bring it to me. I am not lost just gone astray. My path is covered in weeds. If I run I’ll never live. If I don’t run, I’ll freeze. What part of me wants the calm? Do I need chaos? Do I crave the unattainable just to fail? Why is this so awe-inspiring yet undermining? Move forward and don’t look back at the crash. It is over and gone. My life understated.

2007-01-15T14:35:00.000-08:00

"We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools."

~Martin Luther King Jr.

hole

2007-01-12T12:49:00.000-08:00

seeking a place where the rain won’t find me

seeking a place where the sun won’t blind me

a place that covers me whole

alone

peace is what i search on this path i roam

is the truth what i seek or simply escape
i loathe this hunt and fear the toll

alone

Oral Fixation

2007-01-09T10:40:00.000-08:00

Eyes on yours as I take you all in.
You shudder and moan.
I know what you need and how to make you struggle.
I tease and your expression is one of amusement, yet desire fills your eyes.
I will not release you until I must.
I enjoy this, this control.

This is my oral fixation.

How Do You Do

2007-01-09T10:36:00.000-08:00

Typical.

That is how my year has begun. In typical fashion, this year has already been filled with great highs and lows and it’s only 9 days in… I won’t go into the gory details but it would be really nice to have some small highs and small lows without these life altering rip my heart out make me want to go live under a rock swings. Fuck me.

I do believe that this year will be better than last. I guess it’s just going to take a bit longer for me to see the fruit of my labor, whatever that means. I have no regrets just apprehension and a bit of good ole fashion fear. Fear that I am going fuck it ALL up and I’m the least of my worries. I'm beginning to sound like a broken record...

Hope vs. Hopeless

2007-01-02T14:02:00.000-08:00

It is time to reflect a time to ponder what last year brought or wrought. I make no New Years resolutions and I never have. I'll never stick to them and who wants to fail so early in a new year? My only desire is hope. This is an old wish and depending on what’s going on in my life more important some years than others. Hope…a simple four-letter word. It can be addicting as a drug and boy do I jones for it. I hope for many things including the usual laundry list most people hope for in their day to days plus a few non-conventional items. I want to believe if you have hope that the rest will fall into place. Hope drives action and creates determination.

It’s been a bumpy year for me full of ups and downs. I’m not complaining. I made choices some tough and some very easy and I’m living with the fall out. I’m a bit afraid of what the future will bring but I have hope…hope that I will find my way.

NYE Recap

Note to Self:

Annalis, you cannot drink as you could ten years ago so quit pretending as if you can. You will suffer and suffer and suffer some more. Girl, get a clue.

My god people what was I thinking. Well, I know what I was thinking…Annalis, you haven’t been out on New Years Eve in 10 years so let’s go crazy, let's get nuts. Therefore, I overindulged just a bit. It was immature to say the least, fun but stupid. I paid the price and yesterday as I was trying to do very quiet things with my kids I promised myself that I would never drink that much ever again. Hmmm…maybe I do have a New Years resolution after all. Failure's always an option...right?

Holidaze

2006-12-17T19:34:00.000-08:00

This holiday season has been odd. Not bad or tough really, just odd. I haven’t been single in a long time and holidays can be stressful regardless of what your marital status may be…but this time around I find that I’m excited yet also filled with a bit of trepidation. Carrying the weight of Christmas for the kids is a bit rough at times. Yes, I know their Dad has a tree and presents and all that, but that does little to make this easier. I have this feeling of ‘it won’t be good enough’. Can I give them a fantastic Christmas with memories and traditions all alone? Will they grow up thinking back on all the things that ‘crazy mom’ made them do? Like ‘crazy mom’ made us sing Christmas carols in a circle around the tree until we were horse and then forced us to eat her cookies, which all resembled decapitated reindeer and snowmen. Blech…Wish me luck oh and the kids too.

I’d like to wish everyone a Happy Holiday! I hope all of your traditions and cookies (if applicable) are just perfect or at least edible.

Cheers.

Soul Searching

2006-12-14T10:47:00.000-08:00

I lay peacefully in a quiet haze of contentment.
Your warm hand possessively covering my breast your body folded around mine.
This is more intimate than I ever expected or thought I would allow.
I cherish this feeling for it is fleeting.
You will walk away.
When will you return?
This thought pushes me frontward.
I’m not one to flounder yet by writing this I prove myself a liar.
The lie means I feel and I am afraid.
I will struggle and I will hesitate but I will be here waiting for you to return, to fold you into my arms, take you into my bed, and into my heart.

Silly Meme

2006-12-07T10:17:00.000-08:00

What kind of shirt are you wearing? V-Neck Sweater

Would you kiss anyone on your blogroll? Yes, and I have!

Do you have a "thing" for anyone on your blogroll? Oh, yes...

How many kids do you want to have? Um...I already have two.

Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Excellent...and I am thankful for them everyday.

What name would you want besides the one you have? Annalis, of course.

What did you do for your last birthday? Celebrated with family and friends...Oh and was treated to one of the most amazing dinners.

What's your current ringtone on your phone? Hmmmm....don't know the name of it. Some silly canned ringtone that annoys me greatly.

What do you think when you get meme's with missing questions? Are you kidding. I always change the questions...isn't that part of the fun?

What were you doing at midnight last night? Tossing and turning wishing I was already asleep.

Where is the furthest place you've ever called to talk to someone? East Coast

Do you like having your hair pulled? Absolutely...

Name something you CANNOT wait to do? Oh, this is a loaded question! I could start a meme on this alone...but I'll refrain from making this sexual because that's where this question takes my perverted mind.

Last time you saw your dad? Yesterday.

What is one thing you wish you could change about your life? I have made some profoundly stupid choices in my life and would love to back and do differently. Nuff said.

What is your favorite board game? Scrabble

Do you have a pimp name? Hmmm...nope. Maybe I need to get one....

What's the last thing you ate? Frosted Flakes

Favorite month? October

Least favorite month? October

What's the last piece of clothing you borrowed from anyone? I can't think of a damned thing.

Who's getting on your nerves right now? No one, but the day is young.

Most visited Web page? MSN

Do you ever sleep in the nude? Yes, but if I'm sleeping alone I'll wear a t-shirt.

What is the strangest thing you have in your purse or wallet? Buzz Lightyear toy

Last person to make you sad? The ex and that really pisses me off.

Would you help your best friend fight if he/she is losing? Absolutely, but it wouldn't be pretty.

Coke or Pepsi? Diet Coke, please.

Do you have a crush? Oh, yes!

Have you kissed or been kissed by anyone in the past week? I am kissed daily by my beautiful and very affectionate boys.

Thank you Chuck for the meme idea...

I am thankful:

2006-11-22T14:05:00.000-08:00

For my children, family, friends, health and independence.

That I lead a life I can be proud of even though I constantly make mistakes along the way.

My heart attempts to guide me and every now and then, I let it.

I laugh…at myself or others depending on my mood.

For crème brulee and all things delicious and highly caloric.

That I can and do love to dance with abandon.

For coffee and all things with caffeine.

For Blogger and that it allows me to write whatever is rolling around in my head.

That I’ve met some amazing folks this last year and my life is better for it.

For sex…whether it be wild, passionate, hard, soft and everything in between. This should be higher on the list, but it was my goal to not have sex be a major player in this post...

I want to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving. I hope you are spending it with your family and friends and if not, you’re headed to a warm beach somewhere to get away from it all.

Peace.

Full

2006-11-17T14:43:00.000-08:00

I look down into your eyes. They are filled with heat and passion. My movements are slow and rhythmic. Lost in how amazing you feel underneath me. It pales in comparison to everything I had imagined. I pull my eyes away from yours for a moment to catch my breath but you don’t allow it. You force me to move, to take what I need, however much or little that may be. A slap of your hand reminds me who has the power even though I may be on top looking down. The pain adds to my pleasure causing me to shudder and move at a much faster pace. I feel it begin. You are so in tune you speak the words I need to hear to push me over the edge. Your movements are strong, sure, powerful. I fall into an abyss of sensation. I look down into your eyes. I see satisfaction and compassion. I am full. Come with me, baby.

A Moment

2006-11-07T21:21:00.000-08:00

I step out of the tall gray building with anticipation. The day is brilliant. The leaves have turned a beautiful shade of red, yellow and gold. They spin around my ankles as I rush to my car. I pause and look over my shoulder to see if I recognize anyone. This secret I refuse to share with anyone but you.

Sitting in my car I stare out of the front window. My skirt has been pushed up to my thighs and I slowly pull it up to my hips. Glancing down I see my thigh high stockings and smile. I close my eyes and think of how much you would like to watch. How much you would like to be here at this very moment. I touch myself. My imagination is working feverishly. Anyone might walk by. I hear your voice whispering in my ear influencing my every move. My fingers are now your fingers. Only moments pass and I sigh my release.

As the wind and leaves chase my heels a smile graces my lips and I step back into the tall gray building.

Perspective

2006-11-01T13:31:00.000-08:00

I recently had a birthday. Now that I no longer live with my ex my children really don’t have anyone except yours truly to prompt them that my birthday was coming. Now, being the birthday slut that I am I made sure that my children were well aware that mommy’s birthday was tomorrow. Now in my defense, I am helping them learn the importance of remembering your friends and families birthdays and important dates…did you buy that?

So, come four o’clock in the morning on the eve of my birthday my four year old son comes walking in my room with the innocence only a child can muster exclaiming that he had to go potty NOW. Due to recent experience, I know better than to waste even a moment and we run, not walk, to the bathroom. As my son takes care of business I stand behind him bleary eyed leaning up against the wall waiting for him to finish. During this he looks up at me in the mirrors’ reflection blinking and yawning, looks me directly in the eye and says “Hattee Birtday Mommy.” Tears well up in my eyes and I reach down hug him and say thank you sweetie you just made mommy’s day. I love you very much. This of course pleased him to no end and I was peppered with Hattee Birtdays for the next 24 hours.

I’m not sure if it was the fact he remembered or how and when he said it but it was absolutely precious. I’ll remember it forever. I was not looking forward to this birthday to be honest. I guess it’s facing the fact I’m getting older, I’m single and starting over...the list goes on, but I realized that regardless of past or future challenges I am incredibly fortunate and truly blessed.

We were on a break...

2006-10-04T18:24:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile I know. I’m so incredibly busy and distracted these days blogging has just not been a priority.

As I mentioned previously I’m in the process of moving. What a roller coaster ride that has been. Full of ups and downs with some really scary loop d'loops. Not to mention it’s soooo much work. It’s been a long time since I went through ‘a move’ and I had forgotten all the little details it takes to make sure I have all those creature comforts like electricity, phone and my favorite....Internet access.

I’m also planning my sisters baby shower, both of my sons birthday parties and the aforementioned move. So...holy crap my life is crazed.

All that being said, I will probably not post much for the month of October. I will still be checking in on all my favorite blogs as time allows and hopefully come November I’ll be back and writing up a storm.

Touch

2006-09-22T11:56:00.000-07:00

I can hear the rain hitting the window. It’s loud and causes strange shapes to play on the wall. The room is humid and I feel the sweat drip between my breasts. You lay next to me, quiet. I smile at your profile and wonder what thoughts are running through your mind.

Fingers brushing mine with a light touch, they move slowly toward the source of my desire. The rain is no longer loud and the shadows on the wall are no longer a distraction. Your tongue laps gently at my skin. I lean into your touch, eager for more.

We move together. I taste your mouth and skin. The flavor that is only you overpowers my senses. We strive toward release. A build up that ends in a loud rush of sensation and noise. Hearts pounding as we lay still and touch.

Conundrum

2006-09-21T10:12:00.000-07:00

When I first realized that I was ‘going through a divorce’ the reality of it hit me hard. I felt like hunkering down and licking my wounds. I did an amazing amount of self-reflection and had sort of a pity party, myself being the only invitee. Now, I feel like having one big house party. It’s far from over, but it’s on the horizon. I find I’m feeling a bit guilty about it. The guilt comes from knowing my children will be changed by this and not being able to predict how and in what ways.

I still go through little bouts of ugly. Especially after long and painful conversations with the ex. I believe I’ve said this before, but how the hell did I end up with him. I was just reading a similar sentiment in WDKY’s blog and couldn’t agree more. What does this say about my judgment and more importantly will I make the same mistake again? I became blind and an enabler (according to our therapist). I wanted to pretend everything was fine so instead of voicing my concerns I pretended they didn’t exist. When they became too bad to deal with any longer my ex simply didn’t believe I would ever do anything about it. He was wrong. It’s been a long road.

I am fortunate to have many fellow bloggers out there that have gone through similar experiences. And as the old saying goes misery loves company…but I must say the best part of reading other folks experiences is that a lot have come through better for it or at least having learned how to move forward and be strong. Thank you!

Sometimes the hardest things and the right things are the same…

2006-09-14T09:54:00.000-07:00

I’m in currently in the process of finding a new place to live. It’s exciting and scary all at the same time. I lived alone prior to my marriage and I quite enjoyed it. Now, I won’t be alone. I’ll have the kids most of the time…but still this is something that I find amazingly freeing. My own place with no ties to the ex. They say it’s the little things and ‘they’ are right. Can’t wait to decorate and place all my stuff wherever I damn well please. It will be a rental so I can only go so crazy but I’ll get my own place soon enough and I am thrilled.

Huh, the end of my marriage and I’m excited about decorating…yes, maybe I need some help. Help, decorating that is…can someone say cynical. Yeah, I may have an inner slut but I also have an inner bitch and they get along quite well. I heart me. Feel the love.

2006-09-08T10:54:00.000-07:00

Rhythmic movements
Low whispers
Slick with sweat
Insistent hands
Grasping fingers
Shallow breath
Frantic now
Focus lost
Pinpoint awareness
Rush of sensation
Scream of release
Soft kisses

Happy Humpy Day

2006-09-06T09:30:00.000-07:00

What a nice soapy wet armpit...

A Day in the Life…

2006-08-30T10:26:00.000-07:00

Alarm goes off at 6:00am…snooze until 6:30am. Yes, I hit the snooze repeatedly, what can I say I’m not a morning person and what’s up with my snooze only lasting for 7 minutes! Can’t they create an alarm clock with a 10-minute snooze? Round up, people, I work so much better with even numbers.

Drag ass out of bed and stumble to the shower. Lean against the wall whilst I wait for the water to warm up…takes several minutes or so it seems. Close eyes and try not to fall back asleep.

Step into the shower and sigh…love the hot shower. Soap, wash, rinse, repeat. Oh, and let’s not forget to shave. I’m 5’8 so I have a lot of leg to shave and trust me at that time of the morning I’m wishing I was a few inches shorter.

Slide into my cozy robe and step into the bathroom to continue my morning routine. I won’t bore you with the details…bottom line…it takes time to get this gal out the door.

Once, I’ve finished with me the kids are next…which is challenging to say the least cause I passed on my ‘not a morning person’ to both my kids. Yeah. I have to get them up early than I should just so they can adjust to being awake before I make them eat breakfast…

We are out the door running. I try very hard not to be late. I try very hard…sometimes we make it and sometimes we don’t. I take my oldest to school and we wait until he’s hustled into his class. I smile at the teacher and speak to a few parents IF I’ve had enough coffee by this time. Some days I’m very friendly and some days I scowl. Then it’s off to preschool and again I make nice with the teachers and I’m off to work.

I work. I love my job and I know how fortunate I am. Won’t bore you with the particulars.

I leave. I’m fortunate that I have a daycare program that will pick up my son from school so I am able to keep a roof over our heads.

I wrangle with traffic to get to the daycare and pick up my children. Some days traffic and I get along, other days I cuss like the truck driver taking over two lanes and causing a back up of mass proportions. I enjoy cussing, feels good. Besides, I have to get it out of my system before the kidlets get in the car.

Darn, this is getting long and most likely boring as hell. I’m almost done.

We get home and snacks must be had…life will not continue if I don’t fix the snacks to keep all hell from breaking loose. Once the chaos slows I consider what we should have for dinner (a domestic goddess I’m not) and the kids play. Some days this requires my help like pushing them on the swing for hours and hours and hours. I can’t fault them…who doesn’t love the swings.

So let’s wrap this up. We eat dinner, bath the dirty monkeys, and proceed to bed.

If I’m lucky, I’ll get to catch a reality show or two…yes, a weakness but damn, they’re addicting.
Either I will eventually go to bed while reading or after I take some personal time, which is another post...

Alarm goes off at 6:00am…snooze until 6:30am…here we go again.

Cha, Cha, Changes

2006-08-23T09:49:00.000-07:00

Oh, what a week this has been. My son started kindergarten Monday and it has thrown me for a loop. New routines and new faces. I am incredibly happy and sad all at once. My baby is growing up. I know that it’s been much harder on me than him. I think he quite likes it. Kindergarten teachers are a special bunch of people.

Today would have been my 9-year anniversary with the ex. It still feels funny because the divorce is not final yet. He called me this morning and asked if we could be civil today. It made me sad and a bit upset. He swears he’s not trying to manipulate me but it’s far to late to feel anything but…

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.
~Robert Frost

2006-08-15T11:00:00.000-07:00

On my knees.
Hair hiding my eyes.
Swept away in lust.
A part of me wholly free.
Lost in the moment.
Lost while I feel you.
A need to hear you.
Strong hands grip my hair.
My eyes tell a story.
Of lust, passion, intensity.
Release of control.
This is my greed.
Selfishness my only excuse.
Take me, teach me, need me.

I Wanna Be Sedated

2006-08-09T10:15:00.000-07:00

Well, I have been a bit under the weather lately and not in a very blogging mood. I have wanted to recap my ‘girls’ night out for sometime. It was a couple of week ago and I had the best freaking time.

It all started out when my friend, whom I’ve been a friend with for about 16 years now, stated, “it’s time, we must go out and dance our asses off”. Who am I to argue? In case I haven’t mentioned this before I love, love to dance. The sweaty, shake your ass, for hours kind of dancing. It’s cathartic. Some people like to meditate. I dance.

So we plan, now here in the Bay Area we all call San Francisco ‘The City’. I guess when you live so close to the city by the bay it deserves such a title. Do people do this in all states?

I digress, so we head to a bar called ‘Bimbo’s’ (yes, how apropos) and see a live band named Tainted Love. They are a local band that plays all 80's music. What can I say? I’m not necessarily proud of it, but I am a product of the 80’s. Listening to this music takes me back to days where all I had to worry about was well, nothing really and I fucking miss it. My BFF and me were in the thick of it, dancing, singing, and sweating up a storm and in heaven. Oh yes, I can’t forget the drinking. Here’s one thing that’s changed since my beloved 80’s (or 90's) I can’t drink like I used to. WTF? My tolerance is much lower now and the several (forgive me I lost count) Morgan and diet cokes just about killed me. Sweet Christ, I lost a few days off my life. I get caught up and forget to pace myself. Luckily, no damage was done and if it was I don't remember so, it doesn’t count.

After Bimbo’s we walked or should I say stumbled to another bar and continued dancing, dancing, dancing. Life was good that night people. It was getting really late by now and we had made a few friends, which was fun cause the more the merrier in my book. When you aren’t looking for attention, it seems to cling to you like the stink of cigarettes the morning after. Funny that.

Now the next morning came too fast and I suffered, oh did I suffer. Touch of the flu, I like to call it. That’s the code word in my family for ‘I drank myself stupid last night’. Good times.

The moral of this story is I need to get my ass out dancing more often. Simple.

Unremarkable

2006-07-31T15:03:00.000-07:00

Obsession lost but not forgotten
Little pieces of me left behind
Continuing trials of strength and character
Black thoughts and white noise

girl

2006-07-27T12:04:00.000-07:00

This is about a girl with a secret.

A secret she knows may not be accepted by most. She feels strange and abnormal. She wonders why she has these needs and dark desires.

This is about a girl with a secret.

A secret she has never shared with anyone. Her secret makes her smile. It gives her power and control, which is a most fantastic paradox.

This is about a girl with a secret.

Burn, Baby, Burn

2006-07-24T11:45:00.000-07:00

Blog friends, I am hot and I don’t mean in a good-looking kind of way. Hot as in freaking fry an egg on my head and call it a day. Sweet Christ, soooo hot. How does one function when it’s 90 degrees INSIDE your house for three straight days? You get in your car and drive around with your air conditioning full blast. Yeah, did you say driving on a ‘Spare the Air’ day is oh so politically incorrect? (Do all states have Spare the Air days or is it only in my smog filled state?) Not to mention gas costs a small fortune. Plus, my car is getting old. I don’t trust it not to just up and die on me, costing me thousands. Is it a problem to have the radio on, air cond blasting and the DVD player hooked up so the kids can watch Monsters, Inc. so they don’t bother me while I drive just to cool off? Dramatic? Who me? Just shoot me and put me out of my misery.

I was listening to The Raconteurs this weekend repeatedly. I have this habit that whenever I get a new CD I love I play it constantly until I can’t stand it anymore. That probably means that I have some sort of OCD thing going, but I’m too tired to analyze that tidbit at the moment.

What else, well my TV stopped working and my clothes dryer decided to quit on me. Good times.

Monday’s Wish List:

Cold bubbly beverages
Massage
Cool shower
Rinse
Repeat

Things I like…

2006-07-18T12:16:00.000-07:00

Root beer float
Sex ~ Hmmm, funny how I listed this after root beer float.
Air conditioning ~ heat wave, enough said.
Smoothie ~ Homemade blueberry & banana is my favorite
A nice refreshing dip in the pool, if I had one that is…did I say it was hotter than the hinges.
Some more sex

Yes, I’m stuck on a theme here. Let me revise my list.

Sex
Smoothie
Pool
Sex
Root beer float
Sex
Pool
Nap

Ok, that works. Have a great day and stay cool.

My soul is thirsty

2006-07-11T13:49:00.000-07:00

I’m heading out of town for a few days to beautiful Lake Tahoe. One of my favorite places to spend time.

It’s good for the soul.

discontent

2006-07-05T10:18:00.000-07:00

Spread thin and exposed, exhaustion and frustration take over.
Easy to slip into self-doubt and indecision.
Weakness is exposed and open for all to judge.
Little things become mountains to conquer.
This is the price I pay for my mistakes.

Will I rise above the insurmountable?
Eventually, I am certain.
I will be changed and will learn to find pleasure through discontent.
Care to join me?

Happy Independence Day

2006-07-03T12:02:00.000-07:00

I wish you all an enjoyable Fourth of July.
Eat, drink, and drink some more.
Don’t forget to take a moment to give thanks for our freedom.

Peace.

Still alive and kicking…

2006-06-26T10:58:00.000-07:00

I’d like to write that everything is moving along nicely with the divorce, but that would be a lie and anyone that has ever been through this (and you know who you are) it’s a roller coaster ride from hell. One day I think everything is going along as planned and then I’m confronted with another roadblock. Nothing and I mean nothing is easy. I’m doing my best not to become bitter. To not let this control every move or decision, but that’s what’s happening. I may never get married again. Didn’t I just say I was not going to become bitter? Well, I lied.

I recently had a fantastic weekend in San Francisco with Kent. He came up from San Diego. We shopped, ate some really great food and got our art on at the SF MOMA. We went east to an Oakland A’s game which was quite the event, seventeen innings to be exact. Good times.

I am officially a ‘soccer mom’ and I’m not sure how I feel about that title. I say official since my kids now play soccer. I realize that this is a generic title for a white suburban mom that schleps her kids to various extra curricular activities. Is this a good thing? Makes me feel old. I have always felt the need to fight conformity. Oh well, I am a mom who loves her kids enough to look past the moniker. I will be one with the burbs and all that goes with it. At least for now.

Sports?

2006-06-15T09:24:00.000-07:00

I have been invited to participate in a sports blog called El Jocko.

I will post occasionally with a bit, and I do mean a bit, of insight I have on the world of sports. So, if you're interested please stop by and say hello.

A Moment

2006-06-14T11:23:00.000-07:00

I look over my shoulder and see you lying there. Chest heaving. A look of satiation on your face. You’re eyes are closed but I notice you are smiling just slightly. Are you thinking “ job well done”? Hmmmm, I wonder. I won’t ask because it will spoil this moment. I want to remember your face, your smell, your taste. These moments are rare. They mean something or maybe everything.

Things

2006-06-05T14:27:00.000-07:00

Well, the divorce papers have been filed. The soon to be ex has not signed them yet of course. God forbid that anything be done without a fight. I used to be such a mellow person. Now I feel like a nervous wreck half the time. I know that will end once divorce is behind me but I have a long road ahead. This fucking sucks! It sucks with a capital S. I hate this feeling. Fuck, fuck, fuck! Whew. A word of advice, don’t ever marry a psycho. Damn, I bitchy today. Feels good, feels fucking good. Yeah, I’m cussing a lot. Psychos…avoid them at all costs.

My painting is done (for now at least). Yeah! How exciting is my social life? All I have to talk about is how I redecorated the bathroom. Oh well, such is life.

Oh, in case you were wondering the bathroom looks fabulous! It's the little things.

Devour Me

2006-05-30T14:17:00.000-07:00

wet
heat
lips
tongue
teeth
moan
kneel
slap
blaze
scream

Where to begin?

2006-05-22T09:50:00.000-07:00

I have decided to share my Saturday night drama. Sometimes you just need to get this stuff off your chest. This is an abbreviated version but you’ll get the gist.

Received a call from the ‘soon to be ex’ at about 11:15pm. Prior to this, I had no idea where he was, which is normal.

Ex: Pick me up. The cops impounded my truck.
Me: Where are you?
Ex: At a bar downtown.
Me: The kids are sound asleep. Why don’t you call your friend ‘C’. He only lives four blocks away.
Ex: Oh I see how you are. Showing your true colors. Never mind I’ll walk home.
Me: How can you walk home if you can’t even find your car?
Ex: I didn’t lose my car the cops impounded it. Forget it. I’m a grown man and I can take care of myself.

So, I promptly call ‘C’ to ask if he would mind calling the Ex and picking him up. ‘C’ agreed and went out on what ended up being a wild goose chase. The Ex was nowhere to be found.

Ex: Don’t have your friends do your dirty work.
Me: Are you ridiculous? Tell me where you are?
Ex: No, who cares if something happens you don’t care about me. If I get killed I have life insurance.
Me: Tell me where you are.
Ex: Forget about it. You don’t care.

Hmmmm…does anyone else see a trend here? I believe the Ex wants some attention and is clearly grabbing at straws. Unbelievable. Only the day before he’s telling me how responsible he is and how the kids are the most important things to him. They are the most important things as long as he thinks it’s what I want to hear.

Me: Where are you?
Ex: I’m in my truck. I found it.
Me: You can’t drive. Tell me where you are.
Ex: I’m a big boy.

Ten minutes later, he pulls up to the house. Lucky bastard. Not that I want him or anyone else hurt, but we live in a small city and the cops usually have nothing better to do than look for drunk drivers.

Of course, the next morning he is defensive and was only “blowing off steam”. Huh, how mature. I told him it was unacceptable that he would want his kids to see him like that, he promptly started apologizing and hasn’t stopped since.

He and I have been working out the details as well as trying to get to some common ground before I filed for divorce. This was mainly for the kids sake. The Ex is not a real stable man and I hoped going about this methodically would be the best course. Clearly, I was mistaken. It’s embarrassing. How did I end up with marrying someone who can act like this with little if any remorse?

I’m filing for divorce this week.

Random Thoughts...

2006-05-12T10:57:00.000-07:00

Just registered my son for Kindergarten. Filled out about 101 forms but we're done and he's in. I’m thrilled and a bit sad. He’s growing up…my little baby.

Received ‘Mother Day Flowers’ this morning, which was a nice surprise.

Going shoe shopping at lunch. Yes, life is good.

Painting my bathroom, bedroom, and kitchen this weekend. Or should I say I will begin this arduous task. I expect this will take numerous weekends, but you have to start somewhere. I’ll have help, yep my kids. Oh, and the local Ace Hardware folks. Should be an experience to say the least.

Thinking about how boring my ‘random thoughts’ are this morning and if I should even post this list. Damn, I’ve turned boring. WTF

And last but not least...it’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood.

Have an exceptional weekend Friends.

Eyes Closed

2006-05-09T14:17:00.000-07:00

My eyes are wide open, but I can’t see a thing. I know you are next to me but I can’t see you. When I reach out I feel you, but I know you aren’t there. You are close but still too far to touch. I shut my eyes and hold myself close and I imagine.

Kisses so tender my heartaches. Kisses so passionate my blood burns. A simple touch is breathtaking my need is so great. I become dizzy. I open my eyes and the darkness closes in.

I immerse myself in these visions. Thinking of touch, smell, need. These erotic images go on and I am reminded.

Dear Gentle Readers,

2006-05-05T12:59:00.000-07:00

I have been remiss in my blogging duties. It's not one large thing that has me distracted it's many, many little things. I just haven't had the energy. My creativity has taken a 'siesta' (a nod to Cinco de Mayo, people).

Anyhoo, I hope to get back in the swing shortly. I feel the need to write something provocative and titillating. It'll come to me. I just know it.

Have a great weekend.

Regards,
Annalis

This is what I'm thinking...

2006-04-26T10:13:00.000-07:00

Regret over the Frosted Flakes I ate this morning.

The work I’m not doing while I write this post.

Finishing my mocha, which is now luke warm.

Should I do the spray on tan or just tan in a can? I don’t “lay out” anymore. I’m so pale I glow.

Do I use the pink Post It Notes or blue today? Remember when they were all yellow so no decision had to be made? I miss those days.

My next trip to San Diego.

How proud I am that my son is loving school. At least this month.

How bummed I am that my other son refuses to use the potty. I’m convinced he’ll be wearing diapers into his teens and should I really care?

Signing my kids up for soccer. This is requires mental prep as well.

My hair is starting to feather again. It’s doing this on it’s own with no help from me. I must admit I kinda like it. I feel all Charlie’s Angels. Empowerment in hair? You betcha!

Reese’s pieces.

A big stiff one (imagination required).

Lost In Translation

2006-04-24T15:29:00.000-07:00

I want to run away from home. Of course, this just means run away from my problems, stress and the daily grind but damn it’s tempting. Just get in the car, include the kids of course and go. I have friends, family, and acquaintances that would let me stay with them…at least for a little while.

Lately, I’ve felt like I was at a major turning point in my life but I look back and I realize I just kept going straight. Does that make sense? I have to get off my ass. AGAIN! Stop being a lazy shit. Change is hard, blah, blah, and blah. I have a million and one excuses. Don’t mean a thing.

A bit cryptic I know. Just getting a few things out of my head and on to paper so to speak.

Ahhh…the sweet smell of blogging.

2006-04-23T17:30:00.000-07:00

slow
delicate
unforgettable
fresh
sweet

long
exquisite
intense
power
consume

heat
plead
fiery
beg
blaze

In Darkness and Light

2006-04-18T14:11:00.000-07:00

In darkness, I find solace. It hides my flaws and expressions. I can be myself under this veil. I don’t have to struggle with truths or uncomfortable silence. I am alone and at peace. I have created a complicated web. A bittersweet slice of realism I swallow to feel whole. Feeling and thoughts ebb, flow, and I am riding every moment diffident.

In light, I find warmth. It allows my mind to wander and lust. I can be myself under its heat. I open my arms and gather strength and awareness. I am alone and serene. My deception is simple. A ruse I have no desire to control. I traverse this path without ease but with purpose. I remain tranquil and will persevere.

Escape

2006-04-17T14:59:00.000-07:00

I have just returned from an amazing weekend down south, San Diego to be exact. I just love this city. I met a friend, K and was treated like a queen. We shopped, we ate, we drank and had all kinds of merriment.

I rarely get away alone and I took total advantage. Unfortunately, I over did it a bit and had several drinks the first day. Damn lemon drops…so tasty. Oh and several local beers. I just love the beer don’t you? Well, as you can imagine it didn’t take long before I was three sheets to the wind or something like that. Why do hangovers get so much worse with age? Poor K, I was very close to losing my lunch in his BMW. Luckily, a quick nap was all I needed to get back in the game. Oh and I can’t forget the massage, thank you K. Later, we shopped, ate some first-rate food drank a few more beers, visited a couple of really cool bars and had a lot of amazing conversation.

Overall, a very memorable weekend that ended to quickly. I miss K already. He was an incredible host and is an extraordinary person. I’m already planning my next trip.

Near

2006-04-11T12:07:00.000-07:00

I walk slowly down the hallway. I feel good, ready for what lies ahead. I feel you behind the door. Your scent, always a comfort, always a reminder. Do you know I’m here? Yes, I think you do. You remain aloof and preoccupied, but I know you feel me too. You always know what I want and what I need. We’ve had this dance many times over. I want to run to you. I cannot. I wear nothing. A surprise for you lover. You see me in the reflection of the mirror. You watch me. You don’t move. Waiting for me to make my way to you. I kneel before you. It begins.

N Is For Nothing

2006-04-07T13:53:00.000-07:00

Don’t you hate it when you want to post something fantastic and all you can come up with is trivial stuff that no one cares about? Stuff you don’t even care that much about. Well friends, that’s all I got. Consider yourself warned and please try to refrain from falling asleep.

~ It’s still raining. Yes, it’s been raining steady for the last month with no end in sight. Mudslides. Flooding. Road closures. A veritable paradise for weather men/women around the Bay Area.

~ Baseball season has started. I’m not a huge fan but baseball means spring & summer and that excites me. Let’s not forget the Barry Bonds scandal. It's added a bit of spice this season and I just love a good scandal.

~ Spending some time at Chuck E. Cheese this weekend. Nuff said.

~ Anyone else noticed that low-fat muffins sold at fine coffee chains around the country have the same consistency as rubber?

~ Why are all Trader Joe’s parking lots so darned crowded?

~ If someone warned you that when you have children you will catch at least 4-6 colds/viruses a year, would you still have them? That’s a joke. Of course, you would still have them. Right? Right?

Have a great weekend!

Exposed

2006-04-04T10:17:00.000-07:00

I recently exposed myself to someone. No, it’s not what you think. Not literally (although that can lead to good times). I opened up and admitted I’m far from perfect. This admission was based on the result of past actions and not a confession. And you know the saying ‘action speaks louder than words’ blah blah blah. Now, I never profess perfection. Ok, maybe sometimes I hint to people I’m perfect. I’m not. Please, control your shock and awe.

What I do profess to be is strong and in control. What I mean by ‘profess’ is to put up a front, talk a big game, etc. Sometimes, I actually am in control. Tightly in control. To the point of overcompensating. However, rarely do I feel strong. I realize this is a result of my pending divorce and my own self-flagellation for allowing it to get to this point. Guilt can do a serious number on ones psyche. I am woman hear me roar. Weakness is not acceptable. Right? If I am weak then I need someone to take care of me…vicious cycle, huh? Deep down I just want a partner. An equal partner in all things.

Interestingly, when people first meet me they believe I am this independent, strong, got it together gal. I revel in this first impression. It empowers me and for a while, I believe it too.

This exposure, if you will, has opened my eyes. Not only did the recipient of this revelation offer support and an ear, he also told me to buck up (in a very nice way). “Easier said than done” was my reply. Weak response don’t you think? I’ve been hiding behind that for a while now.

The time has come for me to truly be the strong person I know I am and can be. No more pretending. Now wish me luck, cause I’m scared shitless.

Thoughts Of You

2006-03-31T10:46:00.000-08:00

Lying on my back in the dark
Moonlight filters through the window shade
Hands touching my body
Fingertip lightly touching my breast
My face starts to flush
Such light touches cause my stomach to tense with anticipation
Just the beginning

Making this last is part of the pleasure
Hands move lower now
Slow circles
I force myself to slow down
I have such a strong desire to finish, now
This feeling of bliss lasts such a short time
So self-indulgent, so freeing
An explosion of sensation
Just the beginning

Lettuce Romaine Friends

2006-03-28T10:43:00.000-08:00

When I first realized my marriage was on the rocks I spoke to many of my friends about it. Most were very supportive and had lots of suggestions. Once they all realized that my marriage wasn’t just hitting a rough patch but most likely ending an interesting thing began to happen. I began to categorize my friends in three groups.

The Fixers

The Sympathizers

The Unconditional Supporters

The Fixers - no matter what I would say they felt that it could be fixed with a quick word or two. “Go to counseling, communicate more, make a date night, etc”. They really didn’t want to hear the truth. They didn’t want us to get divorced because it affected them as well. We have a circle of friends and this would break it up. After a while, they started to question my motives. WTF?

The Sympathizers - fellow divorcees. These are mostly women who have been down the road of divorce and are self-proclaimed ‘experts’. They give advice freely and without being asked. One can learn a lot from this group, although sometimes they can be a bit overzealous.

The Unconditional Supporters - my true friends. Leave it to a divorce to weed out the weak. These are my Peeps. They support me. Period. I don’t have many Unconditional Supporters, but I cherish them. These are friends for life. I pay homage to these few and hope someday I can pay them back in kind.

2006-03-24T09:48:00.000-08:00

Your Birthdate: October 30

You have the type of personality that people either love or hate.
You're opinionated, dramatic, intense, and very outspoken.
And some people can't get enough of you - they're totally addicted.
Others, well, they wish you were a little more reserved.

Your strength: Your flair

Your weakness: If you think it, you say it

Your power color: Scarlet red

Your power symbol: Inverted triangle

Your power month: March

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Escape

2006-03-22T13:59:00.000-08:00

Hello. Are you there? I’d like to see you. Yes, now. No, I can’t wait. Will you come? Let’s go away. Somewhere the world can’t penetrate. Somewhere that we can just be. Where we can stop pretending and be ourselves. Why? It’s become too much. This pressure I feel. I’m overwhelmed by it. I’m losing myself and the balance I strive so hard to maintain. I need release. I need peace. I have so much work ahead and I’m alone. Will you come? I’m begging. Please.

A First

2006-03-21T10:12:00.000-08:00

I had a first last week, friends. After it was over, I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t done it before. I want more.

I’m talking about phone sex. Yes, I know, how could I have gone so long without it? I have no idea. Well, yes I do, but now is not the time to take a walk to the bitter barn. I realize that this is rather tame in the realm of sex play, but a first is a first and baby, this was one heck of a first. Besides, if you can’t have the real thing this is a rather satisfying alternative.

Now, it wasn’t just what he said, but how he said it. He seemed to know exactly what I wanted to hear. It was a combination of voice, perfect words, and a practiced inflection.

I’m not sure if my partner was aware I was a newbie. He never asked and I never said. I hope it was as good for him as it was for me. Practice makes perfect and here’s hoping I have lots and lots of practice (I was going to say here’s hoping I become a professional, but that’s so not my goal).

Gotta go, my phone’s ringing…

2006-03-16T09:42:00.000-08:00

Bodies slick with sweat
Hearts pounding
Panting breath
Still on the edge
A touch would send me over again
I stretch my limbs
Reach over my head
Reveling in the feeling
A soreness that makes me smile
Seconds have passed since you rolled off me
I reach out
You are near, so I must touch you
You whisper in my ear
I moan and roll on top of you
Again I say, again

Keeping It Real**

2006-03-14T10:00:00.000-08:00

I started this blog to help me sort out my thoughts, feelings, and overall bitchiness. I needed an outlet and what a cool thing to have, this online journal. A place I can pour out my guts, so to speak, in an anonymous fashion. When I began, I really didn’t know what would come of it. I didn’t even think it would last. I tend to start things with gusto only to get bored quite quickly.

An amazing thing started to occur. I had other people reading this blog o’mine. Hmmmm…do they actually like what they read. Could they possibly have something in common with little ole me? How fascinating. How refreshing. How thought provoking. Nevertheless, did I want to write for them or me? An audience is an amazing concept and for me can ruin some of my so-called creativity. Will they read this and think I’m one crazy mofo? Why do I care? This is my blog and if you don’t like it you can leave. But…I do care.

See, I have this sickness. It's called "I really want people to like me." When people don’t like me I’m bothered. Now I am far from perfect and not everyone is going to find me irresistible. However much I want them to. Jeez, see it’s a sickness and I don’t admit it very often. In fact, if you met me you would never know I had this problem. I can be one cold bitch just ask my soon to be ex.

The sickest part is that I don’t always speak my mind because I’m so damned worried that someone won’t like me. Yes, this stems from some sort of insecurity. I’m sure I could go “talk” to a professional but I’ve given up on “talking” to anyone about my problems that I have to pay. It’s left a bad taste in my mouth.

I would like to thank my fellow bloggers especially the ones that keep coming back to read whatever it is I have to say. And if you decide that you don't like me anymore please keep it to yourself...

**This topic was stolen from a very recent post I read from a very special blogger friend. Thank you!

Slut?

2006-03-10T12:19:00.000-08:00

Now before I get started, I’d like to say that being a slut is not derogatory. If you embrace your inner slut or inner whore, I find this to be a wonderful and liberating thing. On the other hand, it can be a painful reminder of days past.

In my teens and early twenties being considered a slut or a whore was tantamount to being a leper where I grew up. You are allowed to have dirty thoughts or to talk about sex, but if you actually followed through your reputation was ruined. When girls are labeled a slut or whore, they immediately have less girlfriends and a whole lot more boy friends. Funny that. Looking back maybe I should have had more sex, but honestly most of the boys I had sex with didn’t know what the heck they were doing so sex just wasn’t that great. In fact, I always wondered what these girls were getting out of the experience. Now I know. Lucky early bloomers!

I have now found and embraced my inner slut. It took me 36 years. I enjoy having sex, talking about it, writing about it, and thinking about it. Will I be respected for it? Will I be seen as an object or just less? These questions do come to mind time to time and any kind of confrontation can be painful. I think you get to a certain age and it’s much less important. Right now, I just plan to enjoy.

Be My Friend

2006-03-08T11:50:00.000-08:00

I’m exhausted. I’ve done nothing but fight, argue or listen to my soon to be ex. God, he sucks the life right out of me. I’m gone, nothing but a shadow of my former self when he and I talk. Sadly enough, I’m over him and I just don’t get that upset anymore when we talk about the pending divorce.

I’ve had to have these really difficult conversations with him lately. You know the kind that either really pump you up; you’re hyped and glad to be going to war, so to speak, or you are so wiped out and tired and frustrated that you’re worn out before you even say word one? I’ve been on the wiped out end of the spectrum lately. I think it’s from saying the same thing repeatedly and not being heard. He states that he just wants me to be happy. Oh, and that he is the only one that can make me happy. If he truly wanted me to be happy he would realize I can’t be happy with him. Does this make sense? Sweet Christ I’m exhausted.

I am currently sitting here at work, listening to my iPod. Love my job… My boss is out of town and things are slow and easy. It won’t last so I will enjoy it while I can. I live to serve.

What an effing boring post. I hate it when my personal life gets in the way of my creative juices. I guess it doesn’t help that I’m premenstrual. I get angry and horny all at the same time. Then I get angry that I’m horny. I am off the charts today.

Just Words

2006-03-06T10:37:00.000-08:00

can I say the words
this thought goes through my head
I wait

I can’t see your face
your reaction
please, I say

not good enough, I know
moans, groans
unintelligible sounds flow from my lips without thought

touch me, I whisper
fingers, lips, tongue
more, I beg

that forbidden spot
it feels so good
fuck, shit, damn, come

Things I Don't Love

2006-03-03T14:55:00.000-08:00

Not Having Sex for Six Months ~
Six long, long, long months. Nuff said. No, I lied. I have more to say. Bob’s (battery operated boyfriends) are nice, but they don’t take the place of the real thing. Not even close.

Traffic ~
Well this is a no brainer, I mean who loves traffic anyway. I travel over a bridge during my commute and every time I pass through the tollbooth it feels like they are sucking out a piece of my soul to give to their minions. Actually, it’s just my time and money but it feels the same.

Peas ~
Yes, this is childish but it’s my list so what ya gonna do. I dislike peas. Really, really dislike peas.

Lack of Customer Service ~
Am I the only one that’s noticed no one in the service industry gives a flying eff about whether I’m satisfied? When I do encounter good customer service, I tell all my friends and I just about embarrass myself complimenting said service. In a past life, I was a Customer Service Rep. for a department store that rhymes with Monkey Hordes. I think this tainted me for life.

Depending on my Car ~
I live in an area that I have to drive everywhere. Public transportation is available if I have two hours to spare to commute one way and have no kids to drop off at school. Car trouble just freaks me out. I have this fear of stalling on the bridge (where the soul sucking minions live) and cause an amazing traffic backup.

I've been in a listy kind of mood....

Things I Love...

2006-03-01T10:30:00.000-08:00

Sex with someone I trust ~
Hard, intense sex. Anything goes and I mean anything without embarrassment or worry you will squick out your partner.

Surprised by a book ~
Meaning I pick a book up expecting it to be OK and it turns out to be exceptional. Love it when this happens.

Dancing ~
Loud music, work up a sweat dancing. Letting go on the dance floor just makes me feel free.

Waking up in the morning with a warm body pressed against my back ~
Even better with a hard body part pressed against my ass.

Being alone ~
I love alone time. This is a rare and precious thing.

Crème Brulee ~
Currently, my favorite dessert! This does change from time to time...

Sunsets at the beach ~
I live in California and I’m so very lucky I get to experience this whenever I desire. Yes, corny but true.

My children ~
They bring light to my life.

Dark

2006-02-25T16:44:00.000-08:00

I've been a bit depressed. I have certainly been drawn to the darker side of life lately. Even the photo's I've chosen to add to my posts have all been dark. Sometimes I don't even believe it's happening until I look around me and realize that I've been absent. Sort of on a mental break if you will. I keep up all the appearances and the routine of my life so no one's the wiser, but it's all pretend.

I have a good life and I am lucky, this I know. But damn, it can be so difficult sometimes to just be real and stop pretending everything is fine. I specialize in that, you know. I am a rock. Unfortunately, I am a rock buried deep in the soil. It's dark and I am working my way to the surface. I see the light and I know I am close.

Surrender

2006-02-21T13:16:00.000-08:00

If you lay down next to me, will you be aware of my anticipation?

If you touch me with light fingertips, will you feel my pounding heartbeat?

If you kiss me deeply, will you taste my craving?

If you cover my eyes with a blindfold, will you see my trepidation?

If you bind my arms and legs, will you understand why I submit?

If you move slowly inside of me, will you allow my release?

If you became a part of my life, will you ever surrender to me?

Baby, it's cold outside

2006-02-17T13:14:00.000-08:00

I am back among the living and feeling much better. Thank you all for you kind words while I was under the weather. Speaking of weather, it's fricking freezing here. They say it may snow. SNOW! WTF! Now for most of you this is a way of life in the winter. Not for me. Don't get me wrong. I like the snow when I plan to "visit" it. I live where I do for a reason.

I found this picture and felt it appropriate to place here since I had the shower post before I ended up sick. Besides, I couldn't drag my eyes away from it. Yummy.

Cold Medicine Rocks

2006-02-13T10:10:00.000-08:00

I'm sick. I'm home from work and sitting here congested and slightly feverish. I've got a cup of green tea next to my left hand getting cold as I type this post. I think the cold medicine may be effecting my thought process. Clearly, I have nothing interesting to say. Happy Monday.

Little Silver Drain

2006-02-09T09:22:00.000-08:00

Water running down my back through my fingers. The water is hot and it burns, burns, burns. It washes all my fear away. Down through the little silver drain on the floor. I watch as it flows. I move my fingers to my mouth and rub them over my lips wetting them with the heated water. I forget myself. I run my fingers over my breasts lightly tracing each tip. The water still pours over my body turning my skin pink. My fingers trail to my mound and my fingers move slowly into the wet that is different from the water pounding around me. The sensation fires through each limb as I watch the water flow down though the little silver drain on the floor.

Thanks to ArtfulDodger for putting me in the mood for a nice hot shower.

beach

2006-02-05T11:18:00.000-08:00

I had an amazing day yesterday. The sun was shining and it was nice enough to spend some time at the beach. This particular beach has a fantastic view of the San Francisco skyline along with the bay bridge. It was soul soothing. The kids were in heaven getting out of the house and running around to their hearts content.

After my little pity party on Friday, which you can tell from my last post, I needed this day at the beach. I feel balanced. Funny how life has a way of doing this when you least expect it.

2006-02-03T22:15:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty sure I'm damaged. Not a whole lot damaged just a little bit damaged. Just enough to make sure that I won't allow myself to ever really be happy.

A Lengthy Encounter

2006-02-03T12:21:00.000-08:00

This is a story of Big Boy. BB had the largest cock I have ever come upon and this is the story of our encounter.

BB and I were introduced by friends at a club we all frequented. The club was small the music great and the bartenders were lovely to look at. BB was tall and lean. Interesting the things, I remember. Now, we were drinking a lot. I can’t recall what we were drinking but it was flowing pretty steady. We danced. I love to dance, we were sweaty, and it was so hot.

We went back to his place with another couple. We kissed the entire way. Our lips were swollen and red by the time we got there and his stubble had reddened my chin and cheeks and started to sting.

Once there we all had another drink and each had a hit or two of pot. The other couple left us alone and went to another room. We continued to kiss and he stopped to undress. He undressed himself while I watched. Once undressed he looked me in the eye and said, ”Do you like what you see.” At the time, I was sooo inexperienced. Of course, I said, “yes.” I would have said the same thing if the guy was small, but he was not small. He was very long and very thick.

I was incredibly turned on but unfortunately, BB was much more into quantity than quality. He got right to business. Men who are that well endowed have a responsibility to make sure their partners are ready. I was not ready. I did not have nearly enough foreplay for such a big cock. We managed, but not for long. I made him stop. It was too painful so I finished him off with my mouth. He came, I didn’t. This was before I realized I had to take measures into my own hands with some partners or at least carry lubricant. He thanked me and we cuddled a bit. A little later, I got up and went home.

He never called me and I never called him, but I did run into him a week or two later. He asked if he could come home with me. I said, “no.” Not sure if I regret that decision or not.

This was a true story if it wasn't it would have had a much more explosive and satisfying ending. I’m not sure why I decided to write about it. Wait, yes I do...

White Walls

2006-02-01T11:49:00.000-08:00

White Walls
No noise
Pulse pounding
I chose you
Such craving
Stand above me
On my knees
Guide me
Hands in my hair
Red lips on silken steel
Full to bursting
Exquisite

*artwork-Patience Lost by Chekirov

Absolutely Nothing

2006-01-30T16:54:00.000-08:00

I've got nothing to say. I have no words. No thoughts to put to paper. I want to have something, but alas, nothing. Maybe something will come tomorrow. A sexy poem or my so called life. Until then.

Randomness

2006-01-27T09:45:00.000-08:00

Hmmmmm…I really have nothing too entertaining to say today, just randomness.

It’s Friday and that’s always nice. The weather is sort of dreary and cold.

Purchased some music on iTunes this week.

The White Stripes - Get Behind Me Satan
Nine Inch Nails - With Teeth
James Blunt - Back to Bedlam

All excellent CDs. I love iTunes and I love my iPod. Just freakin love it.

I have plans to see Lestat in San Francisco this weekend. It’s from the mind of Anne Rice and the music Elton John and Bernie Taupin. So, I ask you, how bad can it be? Regardless, I get out of the house with friends and a bit of escape.

Guess what else I did yesterday…I shaved. Yes, I shaved it all off. I am hair free. Baby smooth. The air flows freely over my sex. In the shower, the water tickles and caresses as it flows over my lips with nothing to dull the sensation. Damn, I’m turning myself on. It feels amazing. I think I’ve said in previous posts that I usually keep the area trimmed, but this is different. I think I need to take a lovahhh.

*artwork Red Canna by Georgia O'Keeffe

2006-01-26T13:33:00.000-08:00

Don't believe everything you think.

ache

2006-01-24T10:52:00.000-08:00

fingers
dipping
deep
pressing
tasting
heat
wet
licking
tight
vibrating
pierced
cry
pleasure and pain

*Artwork - The Kiss by Rabi Khan

2006-01-23T10:57:00.000-08:00

My weekend was a whirlwind. Spent Saturday evening in the emergency room. Anyone with children can relate to this experience. Luckily, everything turned out fine. Oh, except for me, the mother, who was so stressed out after the event I wanted to curl up in the fetal position and whimper for a couple of hours.

On Sunday, I spent a couple of hours with my soon to be ex's family. Haven't been able to cut that tie and I'm not sure I want to. It isn't exactly relaxing spending time with them. They all know what's going on, but we all pretend everything is normal. Stressful that.

Oh, and it's Monday and I wanted a couple of days off to make up for my less than stellar weekend. Didn't get it. So, here I am whining to you. Forgive me.

Meet Me

2006-01-18T11:46:00.000-08:00

Meet me. Now. Meet me at the beach, yes, you know the spot. The spot under the pier. Where it’s private and no one can find us. I’m wearing the little black dress, no shoes, toes painted red. Yes, I know you love it. I’ll wear nothing underneath. Please hurry. I’m empty. Bring nothing. Hurry. Hurry. Hurry. Leave your tie in the car. Leave your duties behind. Just simple pleasure. What? No, don’t worry. I'm already waiting. Leave the office now. Right now. Come. To our spot. Fill me up. Take what you need. Now. Now. Now.

The Shape of Things to Come

2006-01-16T10:45:00.000-08:00

kind
passionate
open-minded
willingness to help others
conscious role model
sense of humor
social
spiritual
loving
mellow
career oriented
peaceful
knows what he wants
decisive
expressive

What is the list you ask?
Why, it’s my perfect partner list. I could have kept going and going, but I stopped. I realize some are duplicates and some contradict. We are all complicated souls...

Why, did I write it?
My therapist recommended I write it down. I wrote this in my blog because this is my journal, my very public journal.

Did it help?
Nope, all it did was make me sad. I acknowledge that this list is ever evolving and would have been different a year ago and will most likely be different a year from now, but today it fits. It just fits.

Push

2006-01-13T11:16:00.000-08:00

brush of lips
heat
travels down my spine
kissing me
slow, slow, slow
hard
please, harder
lost to you
wordless scream
silent cry
too much

2006-01-12T09:57:00.000-08:00

I have been so busy I can't see straight. What a trip. I know I've said this before, but going to Las Vegas for business is really tough. Working all day and pretending you are on vacation at night just sucks the life out of ya. I did see a couple of cool things this time around. I stayed "Downtown" this time and witnessed CSI taping an episode right in front of the Golden Nugget. They had a dead body on the ground and an actor with it but I don't know who it was, not one of the regulars.

I also watched, although not in person, the implosion of the old Castway Hotel. It was done early Wednesday morning and I caught it on the news, I could hear and feel the vibration as it happened.

I have to say that I have yet to win any money in Las Vegas, not only do I not win but I can't even break even. Oh well, I had a blast. I've also noticed that the dealers aren't as friendly as they are in Tahoe or Reno. They all looked bored and half pissed off.

I do love Las Vegas it just has that seedy edge and potential for debauchery that appeals.

2006-01-08T10:21:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm off on another business trip this week. I'm heading back to Las Vegas for three nights. I won't be checking in until I get back. I just wanted to wish everyone a great week.

Peace.

Me

2006-01-05T13:38:00.000-08:00

I've wanted to do this for a while, just haven't found the time. They are not half nekkid even though it's Thursday. I was just in a mood to share. They are self portraits, thus the raised arms. I never realized how hard it is to take self portraits , but it was kind of fun.

The last picture is for the ass men who read my blog. You know who you are...

One Who Sees

2006-01-04T12:02:00.000-08:00

I watch you
You are alone
You are beautiful
Such beauty even from a distance
Your strength, your poise, your presence
I see this all from afar

As you undress I fantasize it’s for me and me alone
Our little game
My hand slowly moves to my breast

Your hand is now on your cock
It moves slowly at first, root to tip
Up and down, up and down
Your eyes are closed

My hand is moving through my folds
I’m slick from watching you
The end is near
I must catch up
I’m there
I’m there

You turn your back
You walk away

Love's Secret

2006-01-03T11:02:00.000-08:00

Never seek to tell thy love,
Love that never told can be;
For the gentle wind doth move
Silently, invisibly.

I told my love,
I told my love,
I told her all my heart,
Trembling, cold, in ghastly fears.
Ah! she did depart!

Soon after she was gone from me,
A traveller came by,
Silently, invisibly:
He took her with a sigh.

Poem and artwork by William Blake

2006

2006-01-01T22:09:00.000-08:00

I hope everyone had a wonderful new year's eve. I hope you all toasted the new year in right with friends, family and loved ones.

My celebration was bittersweet. I look forward to moving forward with my life in 2006, but I realize getting there will be very difficult. It didn't help that I spent part of it with my soon to be ex. Every year we spend it with friends and in our effort to make everything "normal" for the kids this holiday season there I was, uncomfortable and wishing to be anywhere else. Pretending everything is fine in front several people who know you well enough to know it's bullshit is really difficult.

I plan on starting this year positive with hope and grace. Remind me of this after my next rant....

Cheers!

On The Road

2005-12-29T22:13:00.000-08:00

I am currently sitting in my hotel room in San Diego, CA. My boss requested late last week I go to Yuma, AZ. What a Christmas present! This is the first chance since Tuesday I've been able to even turn on my laptop. I flew into San Diego and drove to Yuma for a night and now I'm back in San Diego. I have to say the weather is fine, a mild 70 degrees in Yuma. The desert was beautiful and I was able to see a whole lot of it during the drive. I'm heading home tomorrow thankfully.

Christmas was nice, the kids really had a blast, but there is always a little part of me that's glad it's over. It's always so stressful and busy.

I would love to take advantage of the San Diego nightlife but I don't have it in me. I just want to get home.

People are yelling outside my hotel room. They sound drunk and I hope they aren't staying next to me. God, I'm getting old.

Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays

2005-12-22T15:59:00.000-08:00

Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays. I hope you've all been good boys and girls and Santa brings you all you deserve.

Flying Angel by Gerrit Greve

Power

2005-12-20T09:36:00.000-08:00

i stand over you
you're on your knees, head down in supplication
your body trembles with the need to be dominant
i watch the sweat trickle down your muscular back
this exchange of power is a heady thing
i touch your chin and lift your face to mine
i see lust and vulnerability in your eyes
i want your touch
your mouth
i lift my leg over your shoulder
without words you take
control, power, dominance

Communication

2005-12-16T12:55:00.000-08:00

I am a firm believer in constant and open communication. Now I said, I'm a firm believer; I never said I practice constant and open communication. This is what I strive for everyday. I struggle with communicating my wants, my dreams, my goals in life. I will find my voice, I must find it or I will always be lacking.

Movement, objects, speech, and words.
We communication through gross symbols.
We call them "objective,"
But we cannot escape our point of view.
~365 Tao

Five Weird Habits...

2005-12-15T14:58:00.000-08:00

I was tagged by The Zombie Lama....

Rules:
The 1st player of this "game" starts with the topic "5 weird habits of yourself" and people who get tagged need to write a blog entry about their 5 weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next 5 people to be tagged and list their names.

1. I always drink my tall nonfat latte from a straw (try it, you won't burn your tongue).

2. Every morning I hit my snooze on my alarm 3 times. No more, no less.

3. I eat burrito's with a knife and fork.

4. I watch the Food Network a lot, but hate to cook.

5. Last but not least of my weird habits is BLOGGING. Oh, yes it is a very addicting habit and I must get my fix everyday.

I tag: WDKY, Mad Munkey, Chuck, K.D. and Zoozan.

Smile In Your Sleep

2005-12-12T10:56:00.000-08:00

I was recently reminded how much I like this artist. Here are just a few of my favorites by Jack Vettriano.

Wishing you an amazing day.

Why Bother?

2005-12-09T10:37:00.000-08:00

I spent a good part of my day yesterday shopping. I took the kids to see Santa. This was the first year neither cried about being forced into the arms of a very scary stranger in red with an odd looking scraggly beard. Oh, and let's not forget to look at the camera and smile kids. Thankfully, they actually enjoyed themselves this year. Who knew that a visit to Santa could turn your usually loving child into a blood curdling screaming ball of terror. That, my friends, was not in the Parent 101 Handbook.

After my shopping spree, I came home and wanted nothing more than a beer, but was forced back out into the elements. I had a dentist appt. I almost canceled, but knew I was only prolonging the agony by doing so. I mustered all my will and went. Now as you may tell, I am not a fan of said dentist. In fact, I loathe the dentist. I'm not sure why, oh maybe it's because I dislike pain. Hmmmmkay. Sitting in the torture chair while someone sticks sharp objects into my gums is not my idea of a good time. Plus, I have to get the ol' are ya flossing speech every time. Sweet Christ, I'm just going to lie and the dentist knows it so why even ask??? Like I said, all part of the torture. I didn't have any cavities. Yeah, small miracles.

On a positive note, I did buy a candle. The type of candle that you can let burn all the time and won't burn down the house. I am using the candle to remind me that there are people out there who are not as fortunate as am. To be thankful for what I have and to remember those who can't be with their family during this holiday season. When I see this candle out of the corner of my eye, I'll be reminded and that gives me peace.

Optimistic

2005-12-06T13:36:00.000-08:00

naked
fingers entwined with mine, held strong over my head
mouth on my breast
pounding heart, ragged breath
without conscious thought my body arches to yours in wanton need
i ask you, overwhelm me
fill me
pull me out of the dark
away from ambivalence
allow me a blaze of hope
a moment of escape

My Eyes Burn

2005-12-05T11:37:00.000-08:00

I have an appointment with a family counselor tonight. Why, do you ask? I am in the middle of a divorce. My soon to be ex does not want said divorce. He was raised to believe that no matter how horrible the marriage is you stay. We have been to counseling in the past. It didn't help. He blames the counselor. He thinks this new counselor will save the marriage. This is a cycle and I know it. He was an absent husband and father. Oh, he was there physically, meaning spending hours in the garage at the computer, etc. but not in any other way. He didn't abuse me or cheat on me. In his opinion, we had no problems. He was responsible for nothing. Did I allow this and enable him to some extent. Yes, I did. Do I resent him? Yes, I do. He never listened to me when I explained I was unhappy. He just never ever thought I would leave so he never changed his behavior no matter how many times I asked. He has become a different person from the one I married. I don't see that man anymore. Because of this, I have become distant and unemotional. It didn't happen overnight it was slow and painful. He calls me remorseless and relentless.

I don't have the words to express how disappointing and sad this situation has become. I have agreed to meet with this counselor because I have to deal with my soon to be ex for a long time to come. She has agreed to help us learn to communicate through this difficult time and in the future. If it is successful, I will be more than grateful.

Got The Life

2005-12-02T13:53:00.000-08:00

I did this silly little quiz today. Interesting... I'm so choosy that men take forever to ask me out?!? I guess it's better than Men See You as Slutty. Or is it?

Men See You As Choosy

Men notice you light years before you notice them
You take a selective approach to dating, and you can afford to be picky
You aren't looking for a quick flirt - but a memorable encounter
It may take men a while to ask you out, but it's worth the wait

How Do Men See You?

I also took this quiz which is kind of funny since I am a product of the 80's.

Your 80s Heartthrob Is

Jason Bateman

Who's" Your 80's Heartthrob?

Oh, and yes, I'm bored.

Annalis

Part 2

Take Care

Promiscuous Girl

Thrive

a sucker born every day

Live, love, laugh and have lots and lots of sex…

A Touch

Crash

hole

Oral Fixation

How Do You Do

Hope vs. Hopeless

Holidaze

Soul Searching

Silly Meme

I am thankful:

Full

A Moment

Perspective

We were on a break...

Touch

Conundrum

Sometimes the hardest things and the right things are the same…

Happy Humpy Day

A Day in the Life…

Cha, Cha, Changes

I Wanna Be Sedated

Unremarkable

girl

Burn, Baby, Burn

Things I like…

My soul is thirsty

discontent

Happy Independence Day

Still alive and kicking…

Sports?

A Moment

Things

Devour Me

Where to begin?

Random Thoughts...

Eyes Closed

Dear Gentle Readers,

This is what I'm thinking...

Lost In Translation

In Darkness and Light

Escape

Near

N Is For Nothing

Exposed

Thoughts Of You

Lettuce Romaine Friends

Escape

A First

More

Keeping It Real**

Slut?

Be My Friend

Just Words

Things I Don't Love

Things I Love...

Dark

Surrender

Baby, it's cold outside

Cold Medicine Rocks

Little Silver Drain

beach

A Lengthy Encounter

White Walls

Absolutely Nothing

Randomness

ache

Meet Me

The Shape of Things to Come

Push

Me

One Who Sees

Love's Secret

2006